I had no idea what the time was when I sprinted my way home in the early morning. The sky was a deep purple divided from the claw like branches of the trees by chalky clouds. Honestly it felt like I was in some horror film, the adrenaline running through my calves made me run faster, the fear bottled up in my chest were being shot out my feet and left on the sidewalk, a clear trail for any psychopath or monster to see and track.
However this was no horror film, this was real life. This was me running away from my fear of rejection and shame from Gerard. Yet fear usually takes a great place in horror films so maybe this reference wasn't so out of the blue.
Back to real life.
I had kissed Gerard. And I fucking liked it.
I had to admit to myself however, as I stumbled into my house and collapsed onto the couch with my face smothered onto to cushions feeling disgusted with myself, In the few moments in the kiss itself it seemed Gerard was into it. His movements were somewhat his way of maybe confirming his own curiosity. But all the same I knew I shouldn't have gone that far.
Also the short commonplace note I gave him was the only thing I could keep my mind on, I purposely left it, Gerard would've only gotten paranoid and angry with himself and that was something I didn't want to happen.
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I had avoided Gerard for half the following week, I didn't go to school. I resorted to handing around an empty park that was thought to be a favourite spot for minor serial killers but I had no worries about being savagely murdered. I definitely couldn't care less about dying.
I sat on the same lonely swing for three days;
The first day, I cried for a lengthy period. I also smoked half a packet of cigarettes and almost choked on the rate I was taking each drag. Thankfully no one heard the whiney tears of a 16 year old trying to come to terms with his first kiss and crush. The fact that this first crush was in fact the same sex and my best friend didn't bother me at all, sexuality wasn't the problem. It was my own thought of care for Gerard and this friendship was what the dilemma or me facing him anytime soon.
The second day, I came to terms with the kiss. swinging slightly and admiring the cloud coverage all throughout the day as the slightly warm, probably acid, rain drizzled overhead. Gerard was into this kiss, he didn't try and stop me and he even started leading at one point. I smiled and curled into myself on the lonely swing at the thought the way his hands ran over me gently during the kiss, in an urge of some sort. As if he had wanted to do the exact same however, like myself, scared of rejection. In all of the madness I knew I wanted to kiss him again, him and solely him.
The third day I started to panic, Gerard would be at school alone. Of all my selfishness this was probably be the worst. But anyhow I still remained at the lonely swing and took in and almost empathized with this lonely park. I was planning what I was going to say to Gerard at the New London Fire show the next day, I was invited by Mikey himself and there was no way Gerard wouldn't be there. I was definitely not going to run away this time. Incidentally no murderers showed while I was dwelling in my lonely escape.
The fourth day I was anxious, I sat at the lonely park I had grown quite attached to over the past few days. Gerard would like this park, I thought to myself. He would love the empty atmosphere the surrounding objects gave off. Parks were meant for happy memories created by children and their laughter that would surround the ears of parents and they would always remember the first time their offspring would learn from playing. You could almost picture them all running around, making friends without a thought, right here and now. It all felt rather spooky and that intrigued me.
Though I was perfectly at peace at my lonely park, one thing I did not expect was for Mikey way to be in the area. He walked along the sidewalk directly across from the park with his bass slung over his shoulder. I instantly started to panic and despite my best effort to disguise myself or look down to hide my face, he saw me. Walking at rather uncomfortable looking pace his face was full of concern, and slight anger.
