Ever taken a shower in the dark? I had taken many. I think I preferred to take showers in the dark, they're very good places to sort one's thoughts and pretend nothing exists, even yourself. As much I hated my shameful body it was nice to forget. Forgetting meant not thinking; thinking meant getting wound up in the things you try to hide from yourself which only meant hours of endless sleep and the large feeling of numbness afterwards. I think showers in general were just really relaxing for the situation I was in. The scorching heat of the water ran acted as a protective shield that enclosed my thoughts from a bad day and the steam given out was almost like a second hand smoke that circulated and almost cleansed my lungs.
I took one of these dark showers on the morning I found the note Frank left me. My hands shook as I thought about what to do with the thing; I ended up sticking it on the ceiling over the top of my bed.
I honestly never had liked the idea of leaving a sort of note or love note to someone you had a crush on. Only this note was different, Frank would’ve never left a note like this unless it was important. Then I realised, he probably left the note for my well-being and sanity. He knew what I was like with my paranoia and overthinking. With that thought I felt a new emotion of nostalgia come over me.
I really didn’t want to face school, I decided to go to the one place I knew I could rant and talk without any judgement or advice.
Grandma Helena’s grave.
The colder weather had definitely hit, seeing my breath trail dancing in the air I tightened my fists in my pockets and burrowed my chin into my scarf. I hadn’t visited her in a long time. Usually I would only go when I needed to let of steam or whenever I missed her company, her resting place was just outside of Belleville which was pretty convenient for when we moved. A short bus ride to the edge of town took me to late morning. I texted mom about what I was doing, she never questioned what was going on if I ever visited Grandma Helena because she knew it was probably important or something I had to do by myself.
This was very much both.
The cemetery was quiet, the small sounds of sniffles coming from an elderly lady stood by a nearby grave, probably her husbands, as I walked past I gave the old lady a warming smile. She smiled back and nodded in mannerism. I felt for the old lady as she stood thinking about her late husband.
Grandma Helena’s grave was nearby an old willow tree which had branches that loomed over the headstone. I was glad it was in this particular spot as it looked as if her grave was protected or had a sort of boundary meant for only her loved ones. I knelt down half a meter away from where she was buried, with a cup of coffee I had bought from a nearby van balanced on the grass beside me, I started to talk,
“Hey, Grandma, sorry it’s been a while. A lot of stuff happened…”
I started to explain my new friend and new school and new house and this whole lifestyle that was strange yet comforting to me. I told her about how I felt a little better about myself some days and how I had been a lot happier,
“You would love Frank Grandma!” I threw up my arms with a little too much enthusiasm, “He’s so kind and funny and talented and he’s always there for me. We seem to just click and he’s like the missing jigsaw piece of the puzzle I’d had been looking for, me makes very…happy. He’s my best friend; we met afterschool because I was too scared to talk to him.” I paused and chuckled at my past actions when I first saw Frank. “But there’s another thing Grandma..” I looked down and stared for a very long time at where her name was engraved on the slab that stood out the ground and started to talk loud and slow, as if I was talking to the world not just my beloved Grandma, however I kept my voice at a whisper. “He kissed me last night. I think I’m falling for him, and I’m falling really fast, and I-I-I’m scared”
