The week flew by. Gerard and I became closer with every minute we spent together, a lot of nights him crashing at my place a lot. I still had a happy buzz since day one, every time the usual painful silence of my house was filled with Gerard's baby like laughter and melodic voice, his breath still lingered in the air even when he was gone making myself feel more secure in my loneliness whenever he wasn't there. I had started feeling strange occurrences when I was around him, I also noticed a lot about Gerard's new found confidence with me. Whenever we were hanging out or in a flowing conversation we would sometimes just loosely hug or he would fiddle with my hair, twirling it between his nimble fingers. I felt sensations of comfort and happiness which was all very new to me since Dad left and I had started high school. Gerard was almost like my own personal drug. He made me feel high, not in the screwed up chemicals in your brain and sensory organs way but in the way he made me forget, and literally made me high rather than the low emptiness I had felt before the two weeks I had not known him.
Lead on my floor on the Friday night, the night before Mikey's party, thinking long and hard about my friend, got me in a confusion I had never come into contact with before.
I was slightly attracted to Gerard.
I tried to downplay the thought all week. I knew I wasn't exactly the straightest crayon in the box, hell to be honest I didn't really have any idea what I "was" to put it. Pansexual. I had come across the term in a life lesson in school once, it basically meant I didn't really care about gender, I was attracted to whoever I was attracted to. I'd never told anyone mainly because I never saw my Mom and I really had no intentions of scaring Gerard off. There was no chance he liked me in that way. There just couldn't. However I liked him in that way. His messy hair I wanted to run my fingers through. His eyes that held so much pain, sadness, fear and love. Even his touches left invisible marks. Gerard was extremely attractive inside and out. I needed him to see that. Just thinking about him made my mouth curl up into a grin. I knew want I wanted, yet it would never work. My heart sunk, I had no idea sexuality Gerard was, he didn't really seem to give off any hint. (Not that I'm stereotypical) I definitely wasn't going to burst out in speculation asking him about such personal stuff, even if we were pretty close by now. To add the chaos in my mind I reminded myself that I wasn't exactly the most attractive thing on earth, greasy hair and a skinny frame with slight love handles down my sides. I wasn't fat. I wasn’t thin. I was just ugly, and I still hadn't had my first kiss with anyone
I figured I would just have to see how things played out. I needed to get it all out to at least someone, even if it ended up to be Gerard in the line of fire.
Saturday mornings were usually pretty great. First off, No school. Secondly, I would see my Mom for about an hour before she disappeared back to her boring routine of work. I would sometimes ask her if she even liked her job and I would be given a brief reply of "it’s not a matter if I like my job Frank it’s about providing for us." I felt pretty bad after those conversations and usually blamed Dad, before he left my us my Mom had many aspirations for a career. She was a very bright woman and I often wondered where I had missed out on the extra IQ points. However, as Moms always are, she was very reassuring and insisted on my musical talent was where my missing IQ points had gone to and I was pretty content with that after years of debate.
This Saturday morning was different, I woke up extra early. I didn't feel a hundred percent right, my stomach ached and my head was pounding for some reason. Downstairs I found a simple ketter from my Mom read, "Sorry Frank, I had to leave early and I'm on a business trip, I'll be back sometime next week, I've left money for groceries and I'm expecting you do some jobs while I'm gone. I am really sorry Frank. Love you, Mom"
I sighed heavily, I felt so bad for my Mom. A normal teenager would be over the moon they had the house to themselves as it was a gateway to house parties and girls coming over. I wasn't into all that because 1) I didn't have friends, 2) At this moment in time I wasn't into any girls.
