The beginning of the end: Bellatrix Black

Whispers of insanity

Friday, December 18, 1981

Restless. I hadn't heard that voice for what seemed a lot of time but it threw me into madness. I was constantly walking, jumping, talking. Nothing could stop me, not the fear of the voice, not the Dementors.

On and on. Maybe I was in hell and this was my punishment for whatever sin have done. Maybe the Devil himself was in my head, whispering words of insanity.

"Darling Bella, it is only me, your true love. Your saviour"

You are no saviour. You are a torturer. You have taken every single thing I had. Every. Single. Thing. I was.

"Is this how you grace me for everything I have given you? Your rank. Your status."

I never asked for any of this, not like this. Not from you.

"Now, don't you ever lie to me. I can't stand it, you know."

Once his voice had once been smooth, sweet like honey. Now it was like the hissing of snake. Waiting to sink its teeth into my flesh. My rotting flesh.

Why... why this?

"Why now, darling you are so foolish. You of all people with your unconditional belief in me. So loyal from the very start"

His words didn't shock me. I had expected them. Hearing them, in my own head, this was hit in the stomach. I knew I couldn't think straight, now. I was ruled by fear.

I was pacing even more anxiously than before. He was lying, it wasn't true, I thought.

I started fidgeting with my tiny robe. The only clothing I had and the only piece of fabric. Preventing me from hanging myself.

I was never loyal to you. I hated you from that very moment when you told me the truth about what had happened, who had jinxed me. You destroyed me afterwards. You made me weak.

Silence. I counted the seconds in my head. A minute, two.

I looked around the cell. A tiny hole with thick bars overlooking nothing in particular. No bed. Low ceiling. Nothing sharp. Nothing to poison myself with.

A prison.

A prisoner.

I looked out of the hole. It soon became my only source of amusement... amusement and distraction.

Weather shifted. Snowstorms, rainstorms, fog... but there were no animals, not a single fly around this place of death, madness and yet emptiness.

I was afraid with every second to hear that voice in my head again. His voice.

Silence. Silence was calming. Silence was also mysterious. But most of all, it was scary. Frightening. You never knew by what might silence be replaced. What was coming afterwards. Or who. All you knew in that moment was nothing.

I awaited a response, the answer of truth, yet no such came. I was jumping into conclusions, driven by inhuman emotions.

I would be screaming for that response, the respnse that got me here, in this messed up place and messed up situation. Silence.

I would be whispering at the sky, hoping. That damned hope.

I would be crying my eyes out for all my mistakes, for every single one. And for each I would carve a line on the rock wall. A line after line. Creating my garden. Line. Picking Slytherin. Line. Smiling at that person who brought chaos upon. A dozen lines.

So much I cut myself. I wondered if I would be able to do it again. Intendfully.

So I carved the rock through my skin, leaving nothing but a dirty mark on my wrist. Sliding it across, mirroring the moves of wand. Nothing. Of a blade. Still nothing.

Uselessness. I felt it in my clenched fists. Maybe my broken, dirty nails would leave a wound and perhaps I'd get an infection. If I was lucky.

"Don't you even think about it. No use, anyway. I already put a spell on you, preventing all such sorts of death. You won't have it so easy, don't worry."

I figured, thanks.

"You think I want to be existing in a mental bitch, like you?"

Then leave, damn it!

"I can't, I made you my Horcrux so that until you die, I will be a piece of you."

No. No. NO! No.

Why me? Horcruxes can be objects, not people.

"Both can be possible, hone-"

Don't call me that or any of the sort. I'd rather be "bitch"

I looked down to my palms and saw that I had drawn blood. The smell of it hit my nose - Iron.

Leave me, I had whispered to no one but myself, I realized.