butterflies & hurricanes // phan

Thirteen

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13

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♪

i wanted him in the bluntest way
i wanted his lips, his hands, his arms
i wanted him the way the ocean wants the shore
constantly reaching and running back
i wanted him the way the rain wants to fall
the way the sun wants to shine
the way words want to be read
i wanted him to infinity
to the millionth degree
and no amount of rain
could drouse the fire i had in me
for him.

♪

Love can feel like death when it doesn't work both ways. No feeling is more brutal and unbearable than watching the person you love be with someone else, knowing you're the only one who could ever love that person in all those endless, unconditional ways you do. But love sometimes doesn't work both ways, so sometimes, love is insanely painful.

I felt that first hand when I sat in my room that night, crying my eyes out. Yes, I was in love with Dan, and no, there was no way he would ever love me the way I loved him. I don't know how I hadn't realised that before this night, and honestly, all I can say is that people are right when they say that ignorance is bliss.

They always say we want what we can't have. So what if I could have him, would I still want him this much? Would my feelings have been as strong as this?

However, I had a feeling I would never know the answer. I would never get the chance to know, and that was what made the tears run down my face so fast that it seemed they wanted to be anywhere but my cheeks.

It was moments like these where I knew I would miss Twigs. Tomorrow night she'd get on her flight, and than she'd be gone for at least half a year. And I would miss her; her silent reassurance that everything would be fine when she hugged me, and having her tell me how stupid I was to fall in love with him, but she would've said it in a way that would've managed to make me laugh.

I had cried so much that my head started to hurt. I wrapped my arms tighter around one of my pillows; a pathetic attempt to receive some comfort. The sobs had stopped by now, but here and then there was still a single tear escaping my eyes, and I could tell by the constant pain in my chest that I didn't feel any better at all.

I sighed and looked up at my ceiling. There they were, the little glow in the dark stars, the ones Dan had complimented before we had gone to bed, before he had fallen asleep next to me, before I had stayed up half the night just to look at him.

What was it about Sofia that made him so happy? And why didn't I have it?

Why couldn't he just... love me?

I closed my eyes but my head still hurt. Shaky breaths escaped my lips as I slowly tried to calm down, and eventually, I fell asleep.

♪

I didn't plan on Dan sitting next to me when we were on our way to the airport, but for some reason, he was.

Chris and Pj had no idea what had happened yesterday night, and for some reason they still thought setting us up would work somehow, so they had asked him to come at the party yesterday. I had just sighed when Dan rung my door in the late afternoon, and let him in with a weak smile on my face.

It hurt just to sit next to him, but in the best way. Because he made me laugh even in a situation like this (a situation where my best friend would just leave the country for at least half a year), and the soft look on his face when he smiled a little in an attempt to cheer me up still managed to brighten up my mood.