butterflies & hurricanes // phan

Seven

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07

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I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling.

I can't really put in words how I felt. On the one hand I felt bad because I left Twigs alone when she needs me most, but on the other hand, she just kissed me. She kissed me. Twigs.

She doesn't like me that way, does she? I asked myself and bit my lip. No. She loved Leon. She was just confused and... and maybe lonely, right?

Yes, that must be it.

Still, it was... weird. Twigs had been my best friend since I started university, besides PJ and Chris, and I just... I couldn't like her that way; she was like a little sister to me.

I had my phone in my hands but didn't use it, I was lost in my thoughts and just spun it around in my hands. Dan's message still showed up on the lock screen every time I tapped the home button, but I couldn't reply yet. I smiled whenever I saw his words, though.

Unknown number 20:22
Hey underground boy, it's Dan :-) Just wanted to make sure you have my number ^_^

The :-) always looked a bit dead inside to me, but when I text people for the first time I tend to use those smileys, too, and Dan didn't seem like someone who would actually use those smileys instead of emojis, so I guessed it was the same for him. But what the hell, how would I know? I had barely talked to him before today.

And that was what, in comparison to what happened with Twigs, made me feel weirdly good. And that was the reason I was so confused. Because I knew I should feel bad, and that I should walk over to Twigs' room and apologise to her, but I just felt so happy and would much rather stay in my room and chat with Dan. And that again made me feel bad.

Usually, when I felt this confused and didn't quite know how to deal with it, I wrote poetry or maybe even songs (apart from the fact I played no instrument whatsoever) to somehow put my feelings into words. But instead of doing that, I just laid there, on my weirdly cold bed with the green and blue bed sheets on them, staring at the ceiling, wasting my time with doing nothing.

My eyes shifted to the clock on my nightstand. 21:36. I've been laying here for an hour? Groaning, I sat up and leant against the headboard. I decided I would talk to Twigs tomorrow.

Instead I tapped the home button of my phone, and once again, Dan's message stared at me.

I smiled and unlocked my phone to finally reply. When I read his words for what felt like the thousandth time I bit my lip. That was an annoying habit of mine whenever I concentrated, but I just couldn't stop doing it.

The reason I concentrated was because I tried to think of a reply. People always told me I was good with words, and I even considered studying English Linguistics at some point, but right now, my mind went blank.

I saved his number, Dan Howell's phone number, but still didn't know what to write. I didn't know why I cared that much, because he for sure didn't. He only wrote that so I would get his number. But still.

What emojis should I use? Or smileys? Or nothing at all?

What if he actually used ":-)"-smileys and it wasn't just because he texted me for the first time? What if I used emojis and he thought they were terribly cringy?