For Just A Moment

A Wicked Plan*

Dear God,

How dare You give me this
When You know I can't say a word
I can't say how much it hurts
How it feels like my very own hand
Squeezes my throat when I start to speak

After all I saw it do
After I saw it destroy my own family
My aunt's lips sucking the end of a bottle
Hoping that's the last thing she breaths
Dragging her own daughter down with her
And every pill that they shared down their throats

You made me watch as they asked for death
But you'd refuse to answer them
All you did was make us watch
That's all you gave me to do

You made me see the scars on her wrists
And the tears of my mother
Who nearly lost a sister
By slowing taking away her daughter
You let this
Numbing pain pull a family apart

Then You sat me in the middle
Of a this bloody hurricane
I can't even remember which is mine
It all looks the same
But through all this crimson rain
Still I wished again and again
For a sunny day that wasn't made by the light
In my tears

I guess You didn't think I deserved one
Because then You gave me tragedy
Made me watch all over again
Feeling like this might be life long movie
As you rip my brother away
With hate in my heart
Gave me the power to kill with love
As I see my sister melt away
In the past of his hands 
Into a scared little girl
Who thought big brothers were suppose
To protect them too

I guess we were both wrong

You let him take my her away
Had him chase her away with
Hands that reeked treason on her
Invading everything she had
Taking things from her that I could never give back
No one could give back
Then sealing her lips to everyone I loved
Forgetting I was stuck there too

You laid me down in this war
Giving me everyone's pain but never a reason
You never gave me my own
Just let me sit and watch everyone else's

Then You made me numb to every single one
To the memories and the bullets of betrayal
So much So
That I couldn't remember to breath
Didn't know if I still wanted too

But without hesitation
Every day and every night
I ask to be able to love
To be able to feel again

But all you do is give me this
This feeling that's makes me wish
The drowning will win
Finally give into all that water
You made me watch go down my throat
Make me wish
That this reason was finally enough

I saw it tear everything I loved from me
Thought I'd learn that it won't tear me
I guess that was never the plan

So You let me get here
Let me sit so long that it
Melted me into everyone else
You decided
Not to listen too

As these words pours out my story
I realize the plan was never to just watch
Someone else's
It was to realize it was all the same
You can't watch something He puts you in

You gave me this
Do You believe I can make it out
Or is this where You leave me

What is this wicked plan of yours?

Sincerely,
The girl that never wanted this