losing you; gbd{rewritten & edited}

letter #7 [edited]

June 18th

6:41 pm

letter #7

Ethan was here again today.

He's the only person that's had the courage to come and talk to me, not that I blame anyone for not wanting to be around me; I don't even want to be around me. He walked through the door with a timid smile on his face and in a feeble attempt at a joke, said he came to check if I was still alive, since I hadn't been answering the phone. I think he was joking. I said no anyway.

"Grayson?" My twin brother rounded the corner, walking through the kitchen to see me sitting on the window seat, looking out at the city.

"Hey, E."

He sat a couple feet away, at the dining room table, staring at me, "You promised you would call and you didn't; I got worried. Came to check if you're still alive."

I didn't look at him. I could hear the somewhat teasing tone, but my answer was everything but a joke.

"I wish I wasn't." I finally looked at him. "I actually don't think I am."

"Don't talk like that, Grayson." Ethan snapped, standing and walking towards me. "Not because of this. Not because of her."

It was then that my resolve had broken. Usually when Ethan talked shit about you, I would shake my head and jump to your defense, but this time, I snapped back. "How can you be like that, Ethan?" I was angry. It wasn't the first time Ethan and I argued over you. "She was the love of my life. My entire heart. Not to mention, she was your best friend."

"Well that clearly didn't mean shit to her, so why the fuck should it mean anything to me?" He sneered. He was in my face then; challenging me, taunting me, trying to push me.

It almost didn't work. I started to walk away after that, ready to curl up in our bed. But Ethan wouldn't leave it alone.

"She's selfish, Grayson. She didn't love you. If she did, how could she just walk away?"

My blood ran cold. "Watch your mouth, Ethan."

He laughed, so cynically and angry that if I wasn't looking right at him, I wouldn't have ever believed that laugh could've come from him. "I mean, who knows, Gray? Maybe she planned this. Maybe she wasn't the sweet girl we knew." His eyes, cold, empty and something else I couldn't decipher, looked just as cruel as his next words sounded. "Maybe her life was falling around her so fast that she needed a distraction. What do you think, Gray? Were you a successful distraction?"

Every word he said cut deep, so deep that my breathing was becoming ragged. I knew he was upset. I knew that you disappearing hurt him too, but this wasn't the way it should have gone.

"Ethan, stop it," I warned him, turning around to face him again.

"You must not have been, because she's gone." Ethan refused to say her name. "Maybe she's doing the same thing with a new guy, right now. While you sit here and pine for her to come back, she's already packed up and moved on. Maybe-"

He didn't get to finish before I shoved him back. "Enough!" I couldn't stand to hear him talk about you that way. You were good, I knew you were. There had to be a reason you left.

"No, it's not enough, Grayson! It'll never be enough!" He shoved me back, glaring at me. "Where is she Grayson? Huh? Where the fuck is she? This fucking saint that you're protecting? Because I certainly don't see her!"

Ethan was breathing so hard it looked like he was about to have a panic attack. His hands were balled up at his sides and his eyes weren't empty anymore. They were so full of pain; raw, intense, all-consuming pain. I knew that look because I had seen it so many times on myself while staring in the mirror.

  "She's gone. Gone! She left us here.  She left you here.  She left me here. She left her best friend, the person who loved her more than anyone else on the planet. She left me here to have to live without her. She left me here to try my absolute fucking hardest to block every single memory I have of her out of my head, because I can't think about her without feeling like I'm about to fall apart. I can't even say her god damn name, Grayson. Every time I try, it feels like I can't fucking breathe." Tears were streaming down Ethan's face, which was got more and more red with every passing second. His voice cracked over and over, and with every single crack, my heart broke. I had never, in our entire lives, seen Ethan this upset.

Ethan sniffed, and licked his tear-coated lips, and looked down at the ground. "She left us, Grayson. Without a fucking word, and all you do i-is sit there and defend her, make excuses for her. I'm tired of it." Hid voice was only slightly above a whisper now.

"There has to be a rea-"

"A reason, right? There has to be a fucking reason." He laughed, running his hands through his mop of hair. He turned around, his shoulder starting to shake. It looked like he was laughing, but I knew he was crying.

"Then what is it, Gray? Why did she leave?" His voice cracked once more, and after a moment, he was on the floor. He hugged his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth with every gut-wrenching sob he let out.

And it was that moment that I realized Ethan was right; I wasn't the only one that lost someone. You may have been the love of my life, but you were his best friend. The person that knew him in ways no one ever could. The only person besides myself that meant the absolute world to him.

For the first time since you left, Ethan and I were on the same page. We were both hurting, and even though just simply breathing everyday hurt for me, I had to push past my pain to be there for my brother. I held Ethan, right there on the floor next to our dining room table and cried with him. For hours. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do.

Please know that no matter how much Ethan claimed he hated you, how much he said he despised you for leaving, he didn't mean it. Any of it. This letter is more for Ethan than myself. You didn't just hurt me when you left, Rena. You hurt him too.

Come back, Rena. Come back so that the pain can finally stop. Come back to me. Come back to us.

We will never stop needing you here,

Grayson.