losing you; gbd{rewritten & edited}

letter #6 [edited]

June 16th, 2017

9:23 pm

letter #6

I've been with one person since you left.

Last weekend, about two weeks after you disappeared; two weeks of texting and calling and asking where you were and what was going on and if you were coming back. Two weeks of no responses.

Remember when I said I was lost before you? It's true, I was. That night, I felt like that Grayson. I went out to a random party with Ethan, hoping that his assurances of fun and distractions would turn out to be true. I needed something, anything, to forget you. Even for just a moment. I got drunk that night- really drunk. Too drunk. I could feel the stares of girls everywhere around me, so I downed another two shots and went up to the first one in sight and asked her to dance.

She was pretty, from what I can remember, but the only thing I can remember thinking was that she wasn't nearly as pretty as you. No one was.

We danced, she laughed, we flirted; all the necessary actions to make myself believe that I was content with the girl I was using to distract me.

When I let her lead me into the secluded part of the house, I tried my best to focus on her. When she pulled me into a vacant room and I pushed her against the door, I tried to make myself believe that it felt right. But through it all; her lips on my neck, my hands up her shirt, her hands in my hair; the whole thing only reminded me of you.

When she got in front of me and started to unbuckle my pants, it was normal. It was everything a hookup usually was, and it felt good, I won't lie and say that it didn't. But there was something missing- something that I knew I could only ever get from you.

There were no playful smiles, no giggling, no stolen kisses, no looking up at me through her eyelashes and making me think that she was the most beautiful girl in the world. It was just...plain.

With every touch, all her moans, I just couldn't get you out of my head. So, I kept my eyes closed, the entire time. That way, I could trick both my heart and my head into believing that it was you underneath me instead. That way, I could close my eyes and imagine a different time, a better time- when it was you and me.

After we finished, I walked home, not bothering to tell Ethan I had left. I walked down the street, eyes blurry and barely holding myself together. I got to the apartment and checked the answering machine just in case, a habit I developed and done every day after you left, and when there was nothing, again, I walked to the bedroom, shut the door and broke down.

That was the day I finally fell apart. The first time I cried about you leaving. As I slid down the door, I looked at our bed, then to the empty drawers and fell apart, right there on the floor.

All of our memories played over and over in my head. My emotions were rushing too fast through my body- the anger, the sadness, the loneliness, the betrayal, the crushing realization that you really weren't there anymore- and it all weighed down on me so heavily I clawed at my chest desperate for air that never seemed to come.

That was the first night I cried myself to sleep. Needless to say, it wasn't the last. Every time I close my eyes, you are the only thing I ever see. I wish you could know that.

Is there someone else, Rena? Does touching him remind you of touching me? Do you keep your eyes closed too? Do you think about me at all? About us? I hope you do. I don't think I'd survive if I let myself believe that you don't.

Please tell me that you think of me too,

Grayson.