losing you; gbd{rewritten & edited}

letter #12 [edited]

pictured above is Rena's outfit in Grayson's memory, but the girl isn't  Rena.

June 26th, 2017

2:27 pm

letter #12

It was our anniversary. One year we had been together.

I had been racking my brain for months trying to decide on something special enough to do for you, but I kept coming up short every time. Nothing seemed right, nothing seemed special enough. I wanted this to be something you remembered forever.

Then suddenly, like the idea had been there all along, I knew exactly what to do.

That day, we spent the morning in bed, passion fueled kisses in between sugar-sweet nothings. The bed became a sanctuary, a hall of fame of you and me. When we finally managed to get out of bed, we went to lunch, then to your favorite book store. I remember how it felt to watch you walk up and down the aisle, excitement in your eyes at the idea of getting new books. Every time I watched you, it felt like falling in love all over again.

We went home and you read to me in bed for the hours to follow. You sitting up against the headboard, my head in your lap. Your fingers intertwined with my hair, your voice filling my ears and covering me with a safety blanket I knew I would need forever.

It was seven when I hopped up, a bit drowsy from the calming state we'd been in. I clapped my hands, then looked at you with excited eyes. "Alright! Time to get ready."

You blinked in surprise, "Ready? For what?"

I clicked my teeth, waving a finger at you. "You didn't think that was it for today, did you?" The confusion was still prominent of your pretty features. "You deserve more than just lunch and a trip to the bookstore, Rena."

I watched the smile spread across the lips I could kiss forever and my heart swelled in my chest. You crawled forward to the end of the bed where I stood, and wrapped your arms around my neck.

"You are something else, Dolan."

I leaned down and kissed you, gingerly, tenderly. I felt you melt into my frame, and I felt myself melt into yours. "I'm only giving you what you deserve, baby." I placed my hands on the sides of your cheeks. "And you deserve it all."

It wasn't until thirty minutes after, that we actually started getting ready. I could've stayed wrapped up in you forever. While you were getting ready, I slipped out to our date venue, and set up what I could. After an hour, I figured you would be close to done, so I asked Ethan to watch everything, to make sure nothing went wrong.

By the time I got home, you were standing in front of our closet, one towel around your body, and on your head. I chuckle, alerting you of my presence. I remember you yelling at me to leave, because I couldn't see you until you were fully ready. Smile on my face, I obliged, heading into the bathroom to get ready myself.

When I walked out, body clad in a form fitting gray, button up and dark jeans, silver belt around my waist, I was fastening the buttons on my wrist. I hadn't looked up yet, and looking back, nothing had prepared me to see you in that moment.

And when I did look up, I nearly tripped on air. You wore a silk, yellow top that tied in the front, red roses littering it. The shirt ruffled at the bottom and on the sleeves, and the shade of yellow looked god-like on your brown skin. Your bottom half was clad in a form-hugging caramel colored, faux-suede skirt, small x's aligned in a column on the top. Your curls were aligned in a half up, half down look, coming down just past your shoulders. Your makeup was light, but it was beautiful. Your silver nose ring gleamed when it caught light, as did your hoops, and your sparkly necklace, completed with a dangling star charm.

There was nothing to say. No words invented could've been enough for me to convey just how beautiful you looked. You were ethereal, and although there weren't enough words to describe it, I tried anyway.

We left our apartment at eight, the sun just beginning to set on the coast. During the ride you tried tirelessly to guess where we were going, but I wouldn't budge.

When I pulled up at the beach, I covered your eyes with my hands, and led you to the heart of everything I'd set up. When I let you look, your reaction was everything I dreamed of. Your eyes were wide and your lips were parted in surprise. You hugged me tight, peppering kisses up and down my face, getting lip gloss all over me. I never minded, though.

You loved it, from the tiki torches I'd put in the ground, to the pizza from the day that we met, to the playlist flowing out of the speaker and through the secluded spot on the beach. It was perfect.

Until it started raining. Heavy, violent rain, that came completely out of nowhere.

We scrambled up, me grabbing the food and packing it all up into the basket and Rena grabbing the speaker and blanket.

"You didn't check the weather, Grayson!?" You yelled over the pouring rain.

"I checked for the daytime, but I forgot to for tonight!" We had no choice but to yell over the roaring rain.

"You're unbelievable!"

We got to the car safely, and I hopped in, fumbling for the keys. I was so fucking upset. Everything I'd desperately wanted to go perfectly had gotten messed up because of my own stupid mistake. When I looked up to apologize, I realized that you weren't in the car.

I got out, poorly attempting to shield my eyes. "Rena? Rena, what the hell are you doing?"

You didn't answer, only beckoned me to come closer. I jogged to you, confusion across my face. When I got close enough to touch, you held your hand out, expectantly. "Dance with me."

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Now?" You nodded, "We're gonna get sick."

You shrugged, "So, get sick with me."

I looked at you, love in my eyes. The rain caused your shirt to stick to your chest, just as mine did, and even though your makeup was running, your hair was flattened against your face and you were shivering slightly, I couldn't remember a time where you had looked more beautiful. I put my hand in yours, letting you lead me to where we had just been sitting. But you were Rena, my Rena, so, I would have let you lead me anywhere.

And we danced. No music, no words, nothing but the pouring rain and the sound of the waves crashing to shore.

I looked down at you, after I spun you and peered into those soft, hazel eyes I fell in love with. I moved your hair out of your face and cupped your cheeks in my hands, softly meshing my lips with yours.

The moment was magical. My heart swelled, bigger than it has ever been that day. Being with you made me feel like something whole, like I existed for a reason. A reason bigger than myself.

"I love you." You mumbled into my lips, your soft lips turning into a warm smile. You brushed my hair away from my eyes. "This was so beautiful. You are so beautiful, Grayson."

My heart stammered at the words. "I love you too, baby." I kissed your nose and you giggled a little. "More than you'll ever know."

You laid your head on my chest and we continued to sway in the rain. After a while, my chest was so full I couldn't help but mutter, so quietly I didn't know if you would hear it,

"Thank you for loving me, Rena. You're everything I have ever dreamed of."

That same sparkle, that oh so special Rena sparkle, appeared in your eye as you looked up at me, and I swear to you, I had never had a better reason to be alive in that moment.

"Thank you for being you, Grayson. You're everything I'll ever need and more."

Do you remember that Rena? I think I remember every moment between us. I've memorized all of you; the way you looked, the way you smelled, the way you tasted- I'll never be able to forget. I would've danced with you all night. Safe in your arms, all night long.

-We have so much more dancing to do, Rena,

-Grayson.