losing you; gbd{rewritten & edited}

letter #15 [edited]

June 29th, 2017
2:58 pm
letter #15

I'm laying in our bed right now, thinking about all the things I loved most about you.

I loved the way you used to walk around in my shirts, the way they slipped off your shoulder or the way you had one sleeve rolled up and one sleeve down, making it look like you had just woken up, even if you'd been like that all day.

I loved when old shows you loved came on and you dance to the theme songs or when your favorite songs came on and you belt your heart out no matter what you were doing.

I loved how you looked at me with so much awe, so much wonder, as if you couldn't believe you had me.

The thing I loved the most about you, is how i can just lay in bed and exist with you.

I don't even know how many times I've mentioned that you made me feel like a somebody. And you did, and I think it's one of the best feelings anyone could ever have. In those moments where we just co exist though, they're a really close second.

God, we could lay in bed for hours, just talking. We could talk about anything and everything; our favorite shows, who we wanted to be in life, what we wanted to achieve, our favorite songs, songs that we'd recommend to each other, movies, food, life, death- anything.

It was crazy, really. The only person I had ever had like that was Ethan, and still, I didn't tell him everything.

Sometimes, you would read to me, and although I was never a fan of reading, there was something about the way it sounded coming from you.

The way that you expressed the words to sound exactly like the characters feelings. The way that the words flowed from your lips like a soft melody. The way your lips so plump and pretty as they formed around what words to say next.

Sometimes, we'd lay in bed, you curled up into my chest, or even me curled up in yours. We'd just simply listen to the sound of the other breathing, hands pressed up against each other in the special way that we liked.

Sometimes, I'd trace the dips and curves of your body, feeling the goosebumps slowly start to rise. Sometimes, I'd sit with my head in your lap while we talked, your fingers combing through my dark hair. You always said that my hair was one of your favorite things about me.

It was peaceful, calm and just surrounded with you. You were- you are my favorite thing in the universe and the days where we simply sat and enjoyed each other's company were the best I've ever known.

There are so many beautiful things I loved about you Rena. Because there were so many beautiful things about you.

But I also loved the not so beautiful things. I mean it when I said I loved all of you. I loved your flaws. I loved the parts of yourself that you hated. I accepted them and tried to help you grow from them, just like you did for me.

In these letters, I hope to depict our relationship as the truth. And our relationship wasn't always perfect. We argued, we fought, we tested each other, you had issues, i had issues; it was just us.

Like the times when you were so insecure,  you couldn't even look at me. Or when we'd argue and it'd so bad that you packed a bag, thinking I didn't want you there. The days were we sat in bed because you didn't feel well enough to do something.

All the times I'd get jealous of whatever guy looked your way, or mad that you spent the day with Ethan instead of me or sometimes I would get so randomly sad and you'd just lay in bed with me and play with my hair.

We had our bad days, but I like to believe that that's what made us more amazing. It made our relationship worth being in, because all the bad times brought something so much better.

That's how I like to think of this. On the days the pain gets so much that I can't breathe or I see your picture or remember your face, I think about how you always told me that the only way out is through.  You'd say, " You have to get through the bad things to get to the things that make pain worth it. When you're feeling so low, so incredibly low that it feels like there's no way out, you have to hold on to the hope that all this is for a reason. Hope is all we have, Gray."

Like maybe when you come back, this terrible thing that we've gone through will make us stronger. Maybe there will be a million amazing things waiting for us in the future.

That's how I have to think about it, because if I don't, everything that I've waited for, our whole relationship somehow fades into a time of used-to-be's and not-anymore's and there isn't any world where  I can handle that.

I need a sign. I need you to tell me that you'll come back and we'll be stronger. That in the end this will all have been worth it because there's so much waiting for us. I need you to tell me that.

-I hope the future is better than right now,
Grayson.