losing you; gbd{rewritten & edited}

letter #11 [edited]

June 25th, 2017

4:17 pm

letter #11

Hey, Rena. It's Ethan.

I know this is different, I know that this is Gray's thing, but I thought I'd give it a try. I know that these aren't actually meant to be sent, mostly because we don't even have an address to send them to, but Grayson told me that writing to you makes him feel better sometimes.

He says it's the closest he's been to you in a while, and I'll admit, I want to be close with you again.

I miss you, R. All the time, every day. I miss you when I don't want to miss you. I miss you when I see something funny and it's something, I know only you would get. I miss you when I'm in my apartment and Law and Order's on and there's no one to dance to the theme song with me. I miss the times where you'd barge into my apartment, pineapple pizza in hand, with Grayson or sometimes without him.

I miss you when I'm eating Oreos and there's no one to eat the cookies without the cream. I remember how disgusting everyone thought were for doing that, and I remember how we never cared. Now the parts you always ate just pile up in the package, going stale. Now that you're gone, who the hell is going to replace you as the cookie half?

You didn't only leave Grayson, Rena. You left me too.

You may have been the love of my brother's life, but you were mine too. Not in the same romantic, disgusting, lovey dovey way that you and Grayson were, but in the way where you were literally my other half.

You were my best friend.

The one that helped me with girl problems, the one who I had prank wars with, the one who would sit up until the sunrise with me watching cartoons. The only person besides Grayson that I could trust with my entire life.

I trusted you with my entire life, Rena. And now you're gone.

I should fucking hate you for that. I should hate you for up and walking out of our lives. Grayson probably already thinks I do; I talk a lot of shit. Shit that you deserve.

In the entire span of our lives, I have never seen Grayson this... empty. When you left he became this sad, distorted version of the lively, funny and happy boy he once was.

He's not the same Grayson that texts me to go on random adventures with him. He's not the same Grayson that jokes around and will argue with me purely for his own amusement. He's not the same Grayson that looks at everyday like a new opportunity filled with endless possibilities.

Not only did you leave me here without you, you left me without Grayson too.

You took my brother with you when you left. You stole his light, and that isn't fair. You made him so happy. Happier than he's ever been, and happier than I think he ever will be again. And because of that, you leaving has left him more broken than I thought was humanly possible.

You didn't even leave an explanation. You didn't call, text, not even a fucking postcard. You left without a trace. Maybe in your mind, it was clean cut. Maybe you thought it was better this way, like leaving abruptly would be the best way for us to get over you. As if we'd be able to forget you that fast. As if we'd be able to forget you at all.

I hate you for that. I truly do.

It was supposed to be you and me forever you know? Rena and Ethan: partners in crime.

I was supposed to show up to you and Gray's wedding as your maid of honor and you were gonna be my best man. Who the fuck is supposed to take your place now, Rena?

You fucked me over Rena. You fucked Grayson over. He believed in you, still believes in you. He still holds onto hope that one day you might come home.

Me, though? I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to have faith you'll stop the radio silence at some point and come back, but how do I am I supposed to trust that; how am I supposed trust you?

I miss you, so fucking much, Rena. I miss when you'd roll your eyes at me when I said stupid shit. I miss when you'd chase me around your apartment, trying to throw things at me because I shit in your bathroom. I miss the way we bantered like we hated each other. I miss how in between that banter, we always made sure to give each other the same look every time. The look we used to remind each other what we meant to each other. The look that reminded us how much we love each other.

You have no idea what I'd give to see that look again,

Ethan.