losing you; gbd{rewritten & edited}

letter #23 [edited]

July 22nd, 2017
1:13 am
letter #23

When you left, it broke me.

That's not a secret anymore, Rena. You completely and utterly broke me.

It's been two and a half months since you left, and I haven't heard a word. Not a text, not a call, not even a letter.

I don't know what the fuck I did and it's tearing me apart inside. I'm an insecure, depressed, mess. You took away so many parts of me. There are so many parts of myself that I used to have that aren't here anymore now that you're gone. And I'll never get them back because they are all still intertwined in you.

I can't be this person anymore, Rena. I can't be the person that waits by the phone for hours a day hoping each call will be you. I can't be the person that sees pictures of you and feels like their insides are being clawed out of them. I can't be the person who keeps pining after a girl that doesn't feel the same.

I can't be the person that writes letters they never send to a girl they loved more than anything, that couldn't even care less.

I have to be better. I have to get better. This is the lowest I have ever been in my life and I don't want to do this anymore.

So one last time, this is how you made me feel:

You made me feel like it was summer in the winter. You gave me a sense of accountability. You made me see the world in bigger pictures than just my small world.

You made me feel like I was living in a movie. Like soul mates were real. You made me feeling like I was flying and falling all at once because your touch and your kiss gave me a rush I couldn't get anywhere else.

You made me feel like belonged. Like I could be myself and not care whether it was cool or not. You made me believe that love so intense exists. You made me feel like I could be anything that I dreamed of. You made me feel good enough.

When you left, it felt like everything I spent my whole life trying to build was destroyed right before my eyes. It felt like I was submerged in this constant pool of darkness, like my mind was surrounded in a black haze that I'd never escape.

It felt like I was dying, Rena. How can you not know that I'd feel like that?

I loved you more than I will ever love another. I know that, I will never, ever doubt that. In life, there is always one person that you'll remember forever. One person that connects the stars and the planets and the moon and makes you feel at the center of their universe. You were, and always will be that for me.

But I'm not waiting for you forever. I lost you, and no matter I want to, I can't change that.

I love you, Rena. You will always be the center of my universe.

There will never be another you, baby. I mean that, but in order for me to keep going, I can't keep holding onto you if you've already let go of me.

So even as I sit here, sobbing my eyes out, coming to terms with what's happened, I cant keep doing this.

I wish you would've held on longer, Rena.

-I can't keep loving you, at the expense of losing me,
Grayson.