losing you; gbd{rewritten & edited}

letter #22 [edited]

July 19th, 2017
10:23 am
letter #22

Do you remember that one day that we sat in bed and talked about our wedding?

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was in the fall, October maybe. It seems like so long ago, but it's so fresh in my mind.

We had been dating for just over a year. You'd moved in with me long ago and at this point we were both too in love to be with anyone else.

You were sitting up against the headboard and my head was on your thigh, and you were running your hand through my hair. Every so often, you would mean down and press a kiss to my lips that took my breath away.

"What would you want our wedding song to be?" You asked me, looking down.

I gave a thoughtful look. "I haven't thought about it." I said honestly. I connected our eyes. "Have you?"

You nodded. "I have."

"And?"

You looked at me and removed my head from your lap. You leaned to the bedside table and grabbed your phone and headphones. You offered me one as you laid down, and I wrapped my arm around you and  put it in my ear.

The soft melody ran through my ears. I had heard this song before, it was kinda old but still sweet.

"You put your arms around me and I'm home."

I looked at you, connecting our eyes that were so close, I could see every bit of love I'm them. "I love it."

You smiled at me, giving me your phone. "I made us a playlist." You shrugged but I saw a faint blush.

"Who would be invited?"

You tapped your chin. "Well obviously Ethan, he is my maid of honor," you smiled a cute little smiled and giggled a bit. I felt my heart melt at the sound. "Your parents, my mom, Angie, Cameron," you paused. "Alex, Sage, Aaron, Jack, Mel and Elizabeth for sure."

"If Ethan and her aren't an official couple by the time we get married, I'll make sure to slap him." I said, smiling down at you in which you laughed.

"Believe me, I might beat you to it."

You draped your leg over my bottom half, putting your face in between neck and my shoulder. I shivered at the feel of your warm breath, tightening my hold on you.

"I think," you said, pressing a kiss to my collarbone. "That our wedding would be the second best day of my life."

I raised an eyebrow at you. "Second best?"

You smiled up at me. "The best day of my life will always be the day we met."

I sat up, leaning against the headboard, waiting for you to continue. "I had never seen someone so good-looking. And sure, I know that's shallow, but you are probably the hottest guy I've ever seen."

I laughed, smirking at you. "Coming from you?"

"You think I'm the hottest guy you've ever seen?"

I shoved you lightly and you laughed, shaking your head. "I thought that you'd be a dick; I really did. I thought that you would walk and talk like you were the greatest thing on earth." You looked past the bed, out the window, wide smile on your face. "You were the sweetest person that day. You didn't get all weird when I stopped you from falling, you looked at me as if I was a person; which guys on the streets don't usually do, and you talked to me."

"I mean you really talked to me. Talking to you felt- and still feels like I'm grounded. I've spent my entire life running, Grayson, and talking to you that one day, made me feel like I could finally stay still, in one place."

You leaned forward, eyes on my lips before you pecked them quickly. "You've always made me feel grounded, Grayson. I feel so free; like everything that ive been running from, everything that's been thing me down for so long finally doesn't matter anymore."

I was speechless, the words warming my heart. You were the love of my life, the best thing to ever happen to me. And you telling me that you felt this way made me feel like I could fucking fly. It made me feel like I had worked my entire life to end up with you there, in that moment.

"The day we met is the day that I felt like everything fell into place. The day where I found someone that I could finally be me with. The day that opened my eyes to the rest of my life." You looked at me seriously, strand of hair falling in your face. "The day we get married is the day that I'll shows that no matter everything I've been through, I deserve to be loved. It's the day where the rest of my life begins with the best person possible."

I teared up. Tears were at the brink of falling because you were so fucking strong. You'd been through so much and not only did I love you, I admired you. "You've always deserved to be loved. Since the day that I met you, Rena, I knew that I could never let you go."

You put your hand on my cheek and leaned your forehead against my own. Our breath mingled as you said what you always said to me. "You are so much more than I deserve, Grayson Dolan."

"I love you. No matter what."

"I love you, too."

We sat in bed the rest of the day talking about what flowers we'd have, the food, the guests, the music, it was magical. I couldn't wait to marry you.

I know that if I can ever love again, if you haven't take that away from me and I find someone else, I knlw that everything that we ever planned will always be the only thing on my mind. I know that forever, all of our plans will be engraved into my heart.

We were supposed to have our perfect wedding. In the fall, your favorite season, half vanilla, half chocolate cake and miles and miles of beach, so that it could be exactly like the days we were dating.

I really wonder if you think about our plans. Do you think about me? Hell, do you even fucking remember me?

I wonder if you lay in your bed, wherever you are, wherever it is and think about every single moment we had after we crossed paths for the first time. Because I do, all the time, everyday. And I'm tired of it Rena. I love you, more than anything, but I am so tired of being broken.

I am so tired of not being able to recognize myself in the mirror anymore. So tired of hurting people that I love just because you hurt me.

Right before I wrote this letter, Ethan was here, and we called Mom and Cameron. I finally told them that you left. I cried and cried and cried on the phone while my mom talked to me, telling me that one day, the hurt will fade and it'll all be just a memory. It'll just be the past.

I don't want you to be a memory. I don't want you to just be my past. I want you to be my past, present and my entire future. And if you just fucking came back already, we could have that.

I love you Rena, but I can't wait forever.

-Waiting for you hurts almost as much as losing you did,
Grayson.