365 days

Waiting~

Sitting at home alone I’m staring out the window, watching as the rain falls down the window pane. I let myself believe that for a moment things were peaceful, looking over at El I realized that with her they truly were. Lately I’ve realized how sad I’ve been, I guess the pain just became all too much to handle. The rain seemed to fall so peacefully, the way each drop would seem to represent a new found sadness an a harder emotion to handle. The way it so gracefully began to fall an the more frustrated it became the harder the force had become, sooner or later I became the rain. With all of my frustrations an worries it became hard to hold everything in, the fear of losing someone you love is the hardest thing to put aside an it all just got worse. I look at El an capture each movement of hers in my mind, each fragment of time I take just looking at her are the fragments I will cherish. When I look at her my  heart an mind are at ease, when she holds me as I cry I feel loved again an when she lays beside me I feel whole again all because I fear of losing her again. Each moment with her is a moment I’m afraid I’ll miss, making Eggo’s with her, laughing with her will all come to an end but I don’t want it to end so soon. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night an there she would be, laying right beside me with her head on her hands as she quietly snored. I would take these moments to simple look at her, to see the person I asked to the snowball, to see all my love in one individual. I would lay my hand on her shoulder an whisper “I love you El” as quietly as I could. This fear of losing her has began to compel me an hold me down from all things that make me happy, traumatized by how heart broken I was when I lost her the first time never leaving my mind an the pain still existing I can’t help but feel I’ll never move on. I tire of pain an fear, I dread it so. Every moment leading up to El disappearing still flashes in my mind, every word I could have said to her an all those times I tried to hide my blushes. I fell so in love with her that when she was gone I didn’t even believe it at first, when she vanished I just thought she went back home or something but when I got back she wasn’t sitting in her fort. She really was gone. That pain, that hurt is something I’ll never be able to forget. So hauntingly realistic my dreams, so afraid to close my eyes an wake up to nothing, to no longer seeing her smile. I just can’t lose her again. I feel as though the world has already left me behind, it continues on each day forgetting about the pain I once was in, the happy moments now shattered an time seems to fail me. Each day with El passes by so quickly that time doesn’t feel as enough as it should, the days just keep ending an the mornings rise so early. Nothing is the same anymore an I am waiting..for the end.