The Anomaly Affliction

Five

I walk away. Fast.

My first instinct is to go to Lake's house. She won't be expecting me - she assumes I'm spending the evening with my family celebrating my birthday - but can I go see her? I'm sure she could make me feel better, but will she even be home yet? School didn't end long ago. Well, there's only one way to find out.

I head towards her house.

When I arrive at her door, I knock three times and wait. After six seconds, the door opens and I see Lake standing there. She looks startled. Well, no shit - I've just turned up unannounced.

"Violet?" she frowns, confused. "Is...everything okay?"

She gives me that concerned look that she gives me when I look like I'm not okay. Do I look like I'm not okay? I guess I do. I'm panting. When did that happen? I don't remember running here. I guess I just walked faster than I realised. And I'm sweaty. Gross. She won't want to kiss me when I'm sweaty. But it doesn't matter, I'm not here to be kissed. What am I even here for? It's not like she can wave a magic wand and suddenly make me think I'm not a shit person. I know I'm a shit person. What do I expect from her? What can she do?

Shut up, brain.

"I'm..." I almost don't recognise my own voice. "Um...I don't know..."

"Okay, come in," she says gently. She holds open the door and guides me inside, her hand on my arm.

"Mum, Violet's here," she calls out, before leading me upstairs into her room.

Mum. Even the word makes me tense up. Lake has a good relationship with her mum. I hit mine.

Hit. Past tense. Right? Oh, but it was so satisfying...

Shut up, brain. Shut up.

Lake sits me down on her bed and sits next to me. Like always, she puts her arm around me.

"What's up?" she asks. Her voice is like a lighthouse.

"I..."

Now how do I finish this sentence?

"I..."

I am a shit person? I deserve to die? I am a monster? I hit my own mother and can't bring myself to go home? I don't want to get the vaccines tomorrow but I know that I have to and there's nothing I can do to change that? I don't deserve you?

"...I hit my mum."

I didn't think I'd be able to say that. Now she's going to think I'm as much of a monster as I know I am. She's scared of me now, isn't she? I would be. She's going to take her arm away from me, turn away, tell me to get out of her house, and never speak to me again. I'll lose the love of my life because of how awful a person I am. It's all my fault. Everything's my fault. But then I'll go and kill myself and everything will be fine.

SHUT UP, BRAIN. PLEASE SHUT UP.

"You hit your mum?" Lake asks.

That's not what I was expecting. I'm glad she didn't do what I was expecting.

I don't want to speak, so I just nod.

"Why?" she asks.

I stare at the floor, feeling incredibly overwhelmed. Why did I do it? How can I answer this question? Okay, the options are:

1. "I felt like it." A weak response that would make me sound sadistic.

2. "She annoyed me." Makes me sound like a hotheaded kid who gets violent at minor things.