The Anomaly Affliction

Thirty Three

Trigger warning: suicide + some graphic descriptions. This one's a bit tough to read, sorry.

"Oh, good morning, Violet!"

My eyes flutter open. It takes a moment for everything to focus. I can see Mum and Dad sitting on chairs beside my bed. Their faces are smiley as ever. No surprise there. But something looks different...where am I?

"Did you sleep well?" asks Dad.

I sit up slowly and my head starts to throb. I clasp a hand to my forehead, and flinch at the sight of stitches all over my forearm. I look at my other arm. More stitches. What did I do last night...?

That's when I realise just where I am. I look around me. I'm on a hospital bed. Wearing a hospital gown. I seem to be connected to a machine next to the bed that's monitoring my heart rate. A white curtain is surrounding the bed, blocking my view of my surroundings.

"I tried to kill myself last night," I say slowly, not looking at either of my parents. "Didn't I?"

There's a slight pause.

"It seems that way, yes," Dad says.

I look him in the eyes, then glance over at Mum. She seems to be scrolling through something on her phone.

"Now, what do you want for dinner tonight?" Dad continues. "I'm sure you'll be out of here by the evening."

Seeing them like this just makes me realise how utterly apathetic they are. They don't give a shit about what I did to myself last night, do they? But then again, how could they? They're always happy. They can't be upset about it.

Maybe if I provoke them enough they'll show some kind of remorse, some kind of sympathy. Maybe I can make them cry. That would be better than this.

"So, what was it?" I ask them, ignoring Dad's question. "Pill overdose? Pills and alcohol? Or was it just the knife?"

"D'you know, I don't remember," Dad replies cheerily, tapping Mum on the shoulder. "What about you, Amelie? Do you remember?"

Mum peers up from her phone. "I think it was all three."

She says it so casually, like she's talking about the weather. How can she be so okay with this? How can either of them be okay with this?

I decide to press them further.

"How deep was it?" I ask. "Down to the bone?"

Mum locks her phone. I now have their full attention.

"Was there a lot of blood? Was it pouring out of me? Did it spurt out like a fountain, or was it more of a steady flow?"

"Well, I think we were slightly too busy concentrating on calling an ambulance to see how much blood there was," Mum laughs. Dad joins in with the laughter.

"What was that like?" I sit up more, ignoring my throbbing head. "It must be weird, having to call an ambulance for your fifteen-year-old daughter trying to fucking kill herself when you can't be anything but happy."

"We knew you were in need of medical attention," Dad says.

"Yeah, that's fucking right." My voice is louder now. I'm so angry I'm almost shouting. "Were you smiling when you did it? Were you happy for me? Well done, Violet! But better luck next time!"

"Where is she?"

Is that...Lake's voice?

"I need to see her. Where's Violet?"

Suddenly the curtains at the foot of the bed are thrust open. Lake is standing there, looking petrified. At the sight of me she gasps and turns pale.

"We'll give you two some time together," Dad says.

I peer over at my parents and see that their smiling faces haven't changed at all. I guess I can't make them emotional about my suicide attempt after all. They leave, closing the curtain on their way out.

Lake slowly looks me up and down. I see the horror in her eyes as she scans over the stitches on my arms; the tightening of her lips as she sees how broken I look; her eyes glistening with tears as she sits down on the chair that Mum had been sitting on.

"You promised me," she says, her voice weak and breathy. "You promised you wouldn't leave me..."

A tear rolls down her cheek and she sniffles.

"Why did you try to?"

She sounds so unbelievably hurt. Each word she says is like a knife to my gut.

And I don't know what to say to her. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

"I thought you...you loved me..."

"I do," I say instantly.

"Then why?" she cries, desperate. "How could you put yourself through this? Fuck, Violet, how could you put ME through this?"

I stumble over my words. "I-I don't...I don't know..."

Lake bursts into tears. And a wave of immense guilt crashes over me. I just let her cry to herself for a while. After all, what could I do to make her feel better? I'm the one who made her feel this way to begin with.

After a while, Lake throws her arms around me, crying loudly into my shoulder. And I start crying into hers. Her body quivers on me as the sobs consume her. I feel her tears sink into my hospital gown, and mine sink into her shirt.

"I'm sorry," I say, so weak it's almost a whisper. "I'm so, so sorry."

She sniffles and puts her mouth to my ear. "Just...just promise me you won't do it again. No matter how shit things get, or how much you...how much you want to die...promise me you won't ever do this to yourself again."

I hold her closer as I tell her my answer.