The Anomaly Affliction

Sixteen

TRIGGER WARNING: self harm, depression

"Put it down."

I'm standing over the bathroom sink, knife in hand. I stole it from the kitchen. Mum and Dad won't notice. They don't even know what I'm doing right now. To be honest, I don't even know what I'm doing right now. It just feels right somehow.

"Violet, put it down."

My phone is lying on the counter besides the sink. I'd almost forgotten that Lake called me. I told her that I was having a bad night, so she called me to make me feel better. Unfortunately that hasn't happened yet, and here I am, in my bathroom, with a knife and a rolled up sleeve.

"I don't want to," I say. I almost don't recognise my own voice.

"Why not?" asks a desperate Lake.

"I don't want to," I repeat. "I can't."

"You can," she tells me. "Of course you can."

I say nothing.

"Violet?"

"Yeah?"

"Stay with me."

I don't know how to respond to that, so I say the main thought I have at the moment:

"I want to do it."

"Please don't," Lake begs.

"I don't see why I shouldn't."

"I can think of a million reasons why you shouldn't. Please, just put it down."

She sounds like she's going to cry. The fear of me doing this is making her cry. If I do use this knife on myself, she'll cry more. Her face, although always beautiful, breaks my heart when there are tears streaming down it. If I do this, I won't just be hurting myself. I'll be hurting her too.

I can't do that to her.

I drop the knife and sink to the floor, my back sliding against the bathroom wall. And, to my surprise, a tear rolls down my cheek.

"I'm sorry," I say, my voice wobbling.

Lake doesn't say anything for a moment.

"What have you done?" she asks, sounding petrified.

"Nothing," I reply. "I dropped it."

"You dropped the knife?"

"Yeah."

Lake breathes a huge sigh of relief. "Thank you."

Now it's my turn to say nothing. Another tear escapes my eye. This is weird. I don't remember the last time I cried.

I sniffle and Lake asks: "Are you crying?"

"Apparently," I say. "Are you?"

"No. Almost, but not quite."

I hate myself. Why did I have to drag her into this? I should've just let her sleep. I don't know what time it is, but it's late.

"You should get some sleep," I tell her, sniffing.

"I should, but I'm not going to. Not yet anyway. I'll stay with you all night if I need to."

"Why?"

Pause.

"Because I love you."

My heart skips a beat. She's never said that to me before. And I've never said it to her. But she just said it.

I'm not able to smile right now. Not while I'm in this state. But hearing her say that she loves me, and knowing that she means it, is enough to make me feel a flicker of comfort on this horrible night.

"I love you," she repeats. "And I'm sorry it took...this...for me to tell you. I should've told you a long time ago. We've been together for two and a half months now, and I've been loving you for at least half that time. I should've told you when I first realised, but I didn't. I don't know why. I guess I was too scared. But I want you to know now. I love you. And I'll stay with you all night if I need to because of it."

I sit in silence for a long time. Maybe a little too long. I just can't believe what I'm hearing...in a good way. She's in love with me. Lake Summerall, the pretty girl with the thick hair, is in love with me. How did I get so lucky?

"I love you too," I tell her.

And I mean it.