Forever Free

Validation

Lost and broken is what I am.
Confused and lacking in affection.
I don't know what happened.
Why everything changed so quickly.
I blame myself.
I don't know how to fix it,
Or if there's even anything left to fix.
I can't go on like this much longer.
I don't know how to even address the problem.

I don't know. He hated that.

I'm pathetic.
So distraught and emotionally devastated over a boy.
Embarrassing.
I've already shed to many tears for him.
What if I was nothing more than a toy.
Or a game.
Must have been fun.

But he's not like that, is he?
Defending him even with the way I feel.
I just want confirmation that everything is okay.
Him.
Me.
Us.
I want to help him.
Support him.
Trust him.
I want him to do the same for me.
Will that happen?
I doubt it.
He can barely stand to look at me now.
Out of guilt maybe.

I want to say something so bad.
But I choke.
The words don't come out.
I stand there crying inside,
And nothing gets better.
Avoidance continues and I'm still dying.

Communication.
My biggest weakness.
I need to do something.
Anything.
Fear of knowing what he really thinks is worse.
I mean nothing to him anymore.
Someone else took my place.
I'm not good enough.
My heart is telling me but my mind is telling me yes.

Where did my confidence go?

I hate all of this.
These emotions.
My actions.
I know I need to let go and forget.
But what if I should fight.

Is he a deer?
Move to fast or too close and he spokes and runs away.
Even if I back away to fast I lose him.
Am I stuck in this painful loop?
My stomach churns at the thought.
I drink enough to forget about him, not to remember.
Remembering is too devastating.
It's what I really wanted to have forever.
I guess it's not my choice anymore.
Or maybe it never really was.

Drown me in my misery.
I don't want to feel this intensely anymore.
I can't.
But I know I will.
I know this won't just go away or disappear.
Frankly I don't really want it to.
I want to fix this.
I need to.
I think I will.
I will.
Validation.
My validation.
Only then will moving forward be an option.