A/N: This is a dark chapter, and has to deal with shootings, specifically the Orlando one. I was watching the video above, and once I got past my tears, I really wanted to write a chapter based on it. There is a little difference with this story is that this video was posted like two weeks after Pulse, whereas I'm changing it so it was posted for the one year anniversary. Also, everything told from the narrator's point of view is true (as in most things the narrator says.)
It was nice to have the weekend off, but also wonderful to get back to work on Monday. My video had fully been approved and went through, and a lot of the comments were positive and grateful about the fact we'd given options for bigger places besides just the cushy vegan and vegetarian restaurants we were blessed to have in LA. Yeah there were some people complaining about "preachy vegetarians" despite the fact I put in the intro that this was so we could live more of a "normal" life with our friends and them not having to worry about what we could and couldn't eat, but I knew not everyone would be pleased.
There hadn't been any discussion of what Eugene and I were after Friday, still hanging out like usual but a little flirtier. He'd started working on a project, and buried himself pretty deep into it, which didn't leave a lot of time to discuss what the date had meant, or if there would be a future one.
He did bring me in on the project later to help with some graphics, and it was a little bit of a touchy subject because he was talking about the mass shootings throughout his life, but most of my stuff was just text and design, so I tried to desensitize myself a little, and not think about what was being created for, and just focusing on getting the work done. It wasn't about a full lack of sensitivity, it was just that I needed to focus more on the work aspect, not let the facts get to me.
I sent them off to him once they were done, and he invited me to watch the shoot if I wanted to see how a more set focused video would go, as well as the fact he wanted to do the video in one take, which meant everything did have to be perfect. I agreed to go, even if it was just to be supportive for a friend.. or whatever we were.
The morning of the shoot, I made sure to check my e-mails before going down to his set, and seeing him set everything up. It wasn't a large set-up, just a gray background, a couple of cameras set up at different zooms and ways to get different angles to add more than just a "staring into the camera" type of video, markers were checked, made sure all the cameras were charged, focused and would stay in focus, and that the sound was good throughout the whole thing and the lighting was best for everything. It was extremely technical, mostly because he really didn't want something to mess up and start over.
It was very clear that he wanted minimal distractions, dressed in full black with his hair presentable but not anything big. He'd discussed the fact he wanted to have different stuff coming up along the side of the video (that would be added in during post), and that was supposed to be the main visual focus, and his words to be the main audio focus.
There were some "cue cards" for lack of better term, but mostly just had names, dates, and locations in case they slipped his mind and kept him on track. They were minimal, only there if really needed. Another precaution so they didn't have to restart once the cameras started rolling.
I stood out of the way, but enough so I could see him and hear him clearly. The clapperboard came out, just for footage sake, and action was called. He gave a few seconds to make sure all the cameras were rolling before he began his long speech.
It was this perfect and artistic balance between seeming like something he'd written prior just because of how well it was said and put together but had this genuine nature that said it was all coming from the heart and his mind. Yeah, he'd figured out what he wanted to talk about and in what order, but beyond that, it was all just improv. That's how Eugene was - very well spoken.
It was also really hard to listen to. It was dark and depressing, and there was no more numbing it on the account of getting work done. It was just watching and listening. And it was also very personal because I could relate a lot to what he was saying.
I knew the video was starting to close up and he started talking about Pulse more, and the tears that had already been welled in my eyes for the past few minutes were truly threatening to spill over. I was just barely able to hear the end, even hearing his voice start to crack which was really sending me over the edge, and I had to go leave the studio.
I stepped outside, taking a few deep breathes and reached up to wipe the tears that were running down my face, though it wasn't doing much good, new tears still coming.
I heard the door to the studio open and was able to see through my tears enough tell it was Eugene. He came over and didn't say anything, just pulled me into those rare but beautiful hugs, and let me bury my head in his chest, and try to calm down.
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I felt his grip tighten, and mine did as well. His fingers ran through my hair, as he tried to calm me down without words. We both knew questions like "are you okay?" would be stupid right now. And as much as I appreciated having him there, I also wanted to be there for him, being able to tell how hard that video was for him.
Once most of my shaking stopped and I calmed down a bit, he pulled away just a tiny bit, enough to look down at me. "You gonna be okay?" he asked.
I wasn't ready to pull away yet, and kept my head against his chest but nodded a little. "Are you?" I followed up, remembering about being there for him as well.
"Yeah, I'll be alright," he said, and I felt his lips against my hair. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I took a breathe, pulling away a bit and wiped my eyes again now that I seemed to be done with the crying fit. "I was in Orlando, fairly close to Pulse when the attack happened. It feels really stupid at times to get upset because I was in the city, but I just... when I hear about it, I flash back to the fear. I was at a big event the same night a few miles from the club, and I remember waking up to a dozen texts, calls and Facebook messages from people because they knew I was in the city that weekend, and it was really traumatizing and scary. My mind keeps going back to the idea of if the shooter had decided to come to a different group a few miles away, or if I'd decided to go out to a different party... " I took a deep breath so I wouldn't get all worked up again.
Eugene nodded, fingers still threading through my hair. "It's not stupid that it bothers you. That would be like saying someone in New York during 9/11 but wasn't hurt was traumatized by the event - hell, plenty of people were traumatized by both events while being on the other side of the country, and adding a close proximity only makes that worse. It's not just a local issue, which is why it's such a difficult conversation," he said.
I nodded. "I understand that and definitely support it, just wasn't expecting for it to hit me so hard," I said, running my own fingers through my hair, just a nervous type of habit. "Thank you for coming out to check on me," I added, giving him a small smile.
"I wanted to make sure you were okay, and be here to help," he answered, smiling back.
"I'd wanted to go give you a big hug when I heard your voice cracking, but it only made things worse, and I didn't want to ruin anything if you weren't done," I said, pulling him closer.
"I appreciate it, but I'll be alright," he promised, wrapping his arms back around me in a tight hug.
