Undiscovered

26.

Songs for this chapter:

One Direction - Over Again

One Direction - Same Mistakes

The 1975 - She Way Out

Sleeping with Sirens - Low

Lilie's POV

Day two of school is already over and I'm home, in my room, just sitting on the end of my bed thinking of everything that's happened in the past two days. I got into a fight with Ruth and everyone found out, claiming she was the victim.

Then I had a text from Niall telling me that people have found out about my sister and about my scars.

Today was an absolute nightmare. I didn't want to go to school, I didn't know what sort of reactions I would have off of people. Would they tease me? Would they call me names or would they be sympathetic?

They were all cunts to me. It was one of the worst days I've ever had to experience. I was pushed around the place, screamed at, shouted at, shoved into lockers, laughed at, called an attention seeking whore and fat along with loads of other shit. It was absolutely horrible.

I can feel the warm tears prick at the back of my eyes from just thinking about it. I quickly pull myself out of my unhealthy state before walking into my bathroom and putting my shower on full blast, here we go again.

I undress before grabbing my towel, clean underwear and my trusty blade from under my sink basin, where its taped to the side of the cupboard, no one would notice that it was there unless I pointed it out to them.

I worked myself up so much that I'm shaking by the time I've jumped into the shower and the tears are in full swing, not keeping anything back. Might as well get it all out before school tomorrow morning. 3 more days in that Hell hole, just remember you'll be with Emilee and Harry before long.

I shake the thoughts out of my head as soon as they enter it, I can't think of stuff like that when I'm in the middle of injuring myself.

The cuts on my wrist are still pretty bad and by going over them will make them take longer to heal. I lift up my leg before dragging the blade along the top of my thigh a couple of times until the blood starts to pour and the pain is replaced with numbness.

It's sad to think that this scene has happened so many times that its a memory tainted into my brain and the feeling is simply just numb. My tears mix in with the blood, but it's not enough. The blade is my drug and I haven't had enough of this fix just yet.

I press down deeper into my skin until I can feel the blade rigidly gliding into my skin, a feeling which I both welcome and dispise. My mind is like a whirlwind going around with everything that everyone has said to me today in school. But one word my mind loves to fixate on, fat.

And without a second thought, I start to carve the word fat into the top of my thigh. It's deeper than usual, but right now I need this, I need the pain, I need the self-torture. I need to remember how worthless I really am, and now I've sliced myself up so much, no one will want me. 

The thoughts whizz around in my head, making the tears more frequent and my sobbing to get louder and more erratic. The colour of the water around me seems to be a colour I can only make myself love in the moment, any other time, it will turn me sick and I'll start to freak out.

I snap out of my disastrous state of mind before realising how loud my cries sound in my small bathroom. Shit. What if my mother can hear me?

I start to panic before finishing up my shower and jumping out. I quickly dry myself off and get changed before getting into bed and checking my phone. I've tortured myself enough, I probably shouldn't be going on anything tonight to make things worse, but I also need to take my mind off everything.