Once In A Lifetime

Chapter 51: Finally Home

"I think part of the reason why we hold on to something so tight is because we feel something too great won't happen twice."

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The drive back home seemed endless and tiring. The road going back to the city was busy and congested. The scorching sun was unbearable. The burning sensation caused by the noon time heat was too much that I felt like exploding inside and how I wished I could go back in time, spend life with Manang Pacing and the kids in the hacienda for the rest of my life. 

I have tasted the rural life the entire summer and its memories left a longing that could never be satisfied by the rich amenities and glamour that urban life could offer. The sight of the magnificent architectures in a city landscape was nothing compared to the splendor and majesty of the natural world around me in the province - the trees, the flowers, the fields and the rivers, these were my heart desire, other than being home.

I was thankful that the drama in my life would soon be over. I could not wait to be at MVU at once and start a new life there.  But uncle Luis said, I have to wait for him before I could go back to MVU. Two days more in the house with Lolo, Yaya Inday and probably, with Papa won't hurt.

It was already mid-afternoon when we reached home.  I remembered, no one had spoken during that long and boring trip. Lolo fell asleep while Yaya Inday was still hurting just like me.

I slept the rest of the afternoon and when I thought I could move on, Lolo appeared in my room and handed me what look like a shoebox.

"She wanted you to have this." Lolo said with misty eyes. I thought, he would cry again.

When I opened the box, there I saw some pictures when I was young. I could not help but cry seeing the only picture with Papa kissing me.

And the picture where Lola and Lolo spending happy moments with me.

I remembered too well, how I was loved. How come I have become who I am not?

Along with the pictures, there's a sealed envelop address to me. I opened it and read:

Dear Apo,
        By this time, I'm no longer with you. But I want you to know, how much I love you.
        When you're mother died, you're Papa died too inside. Everyday, he would blame himself for her death. I believe, she is still living with us until now, if he gave up the company, the very first time he was receiving threat for their lives. It was already too late when he realized the threat was for real.
        So, he decided to take you away and live without the Santos' wealth - the only reason why your life is in danger.  He buried your memory together with your mom that nobody would know you live, hoping you would be safe for the rest of your life.
        But the truth came out. It was too painful for him to live near you and yet, he could not come in the open, afraid that your life would be at stake the moment they know you are his child.
        Everyday, he would live under the influence of alcohol, the only way he knew in order not to feel the pain. Until we urged him to stay away and live in a foreign land so you could not witness how miserable his life while you're growing.
        There, he could not bear the pain of living without your mom and away from you. That he decided to take his life, but a friend saw him and tried to save him. Unfortunately, he accidentally killed his friend. The next thing we know, he was already in prison. Even if he wanted to come home with us, he could not. The prison took all the promises he has for you.
        My only fault was that, we never told you about these things, thinking, it would be better for you not to know anything. But we are wrong. And I'm sorry for that Apo.
        I would die soon. I have this cancer that nobody knows, except my God. I would be happy if in your heart you can forgive me, your Lolo and so much more your Papa, who sacrificed everything, even his own happiness to make you safe and live. What greater love could be, other than the love he has for you?  Don't ever doubt his love for you as you do to your mom whom you never see in your lifetime.
        We love you Denise, not only in life but even in death, we will continue loving you.

                                                Love,
                                                Lola

The words were like swords cutting me in shame...rebuking my ungratefulness and unforgiving heart. All of a sudden, I felt my own unworthiness. All my life, I am love beyond measure, but I chose hatred until it completely consumed my entire being.

Oh, Lord, please forgive me. I don't know what to do... and where to start. I'm at a lost. I need you to save me. Please have mercy, oh God.

Then, I heard footsteps coming closer to me. When I looked up, I saw Papa standing by the open door.

"I'm sorry if I disturb you. I thought we can have dinner together before I go."

So, he would not stay with us. I tried to say something, to tell him to stay and never leave, but somehow, the words would not come out from my mouth. I was utterly overwhelmed with my own shame, too embarrassed to speak out the contents of my heart, now that I know the man standing in front of me has never wronged me even once.

He came closer to me this time, worried when I shivered with tears. Then, I felt his loving embrace around me.

"It's okay baby. I know you miss Lola, but you'll be fine, sweetie."

"No, Papa, I will never be fine unless you stay with me. Please, don't go. I need you...and I'm sorry... I'm sorry Papa."

I felt so great again between his embrace. The heaviness in my heart was gone. I felt like going back in time, when I was just a small girl waiting for his homecoming. Now, the waiting is over. I found, it's here, in his arms, where I am finally home.

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6.28.17