Once In A Lifetime

Chapter 49: Battle Within

"It is not what you are that is holding you back. It is what you think you are not."
-Anonymous

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The night when Lola died, Papa came to my room. I was still awake but very much emerged in deep thoughts and restlessness.  Lying beside me was Caroline, who by that time was already enjoying her beauty sleep.

Maybe, Papa was thinking I and Caroline were already asleep. When he came inside and approached my side, I pretended to sleep.

I sensed, he stood beside me long enough. He  attempted to touch my hair but he withdrew his hand when I intentionally moved to avoid it, still faking my sleep. 

I could feel my heartbeats were racing. I was too vulnerable at that moment, too fragile and any face-to-face encounter with him would shatter me into pieces.

His presence was unbearable,  creating ruckus inside of me. My mind wanted to shout and tell him to leave  me alone. To blame him for what has become of me. To release all the pent up emotions I have for him for so many years. To let him know how broken I am inside, because he took away everything from me when he left.

But somehow, a part of my heart was yearning for the warmth of his embrace like he used to do when I was young and he was sober. A part of me was longing for a father who could walk beside me in the future, who could be my courage when I'm afraid, my strength when I'm weak, my surety for all the uncertainties I have within. Deep inside, there's a still small voice willing to shout for forgiveness  even how wounded I might be.

But I could never listen enough to my heart...I must not listen.

Don't give him another chance to hurt you. My mind was sure not to give him another chance.

But I promised Lola to forgive him.
It's me... it's my heart,  fighting for reason.

She would never know if you broke the promise. She's dead after all.
It's the other side of me, the stubborn, unforgiving and hurting side of me.

While the battle went inside of me,
I could feel Papa was staring at me. A stare that was penetrating through the secret chamber of my heart, searching the deepest longing I have within. Could he see my struggles​? Read my thoughts? Feel my emotions?

During this unguarded moment, without any hesitation, he
leaned forward. I was caught completely off guard when he whispered something in my ear,

"I'm sorry, baby. Please forgive me, but if you cannot find it in your heart, I want you to know that I still love you very much, as I always do eversince..." 

His words faded, drowning them with his own sobs. I felt, some tears fell on my hair. My heart trembled when he touched  my hair to clear them. I held my breath, unmoved, feeling like paralyzed when suddenly, he planted a kiss on my temple.

"I will always love you, baby."

Then, I heard the  decreasing sounds  of  his footsteps. When he was finally gone, I could feel my own tears flowing silently and flooding  my pillow for as long as I could not remember. Then, I finally fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

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6.22.17