Once In A Lifetime

Chapter 40: Inner Voice

"Listen to your inner voice. In the still and the quiet, say out loud what's troubling you. And wait. And listen. And feel. You may not like the answer, but it will be the truth."

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Denise reached out for the book and opened it. She scanned the pages and saw many markings on it. Some verses where highlighted with red and black lines.
She could not remember making marks on any of it's chapters, since the day she received it when she was ten.

Then, she realized, the book was not hers. She thought for awhile that Inang had come when she was still sleeping and brought it along with her just like she used to do before, bringing assorted books, everytime she would be admitted in the hospital. But the book was only identical to the one she had in her room back home. Maybe, it's hospital's property, she thought.

Slowly, she turned the pages. One particular verse caught her attention. It was marked in red lines. She read it silently.

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavily laden, and I will give you rest.

She flipped the pages some more and she found​ herself reading,

7 Casting all your care upon him; for He careth for you.

Somehow, she found comfort in those verses. As if, the book was directly talking to her, knowing the deepest longing of her heart.

Are you real Lord? I mean, I know there is a God whom we can run to in times of trouble, but I grew up not knowing that you really cared for me personally. Coz if you do, my life would not be like this, right?

Denise perused the pages backwards and she got another verse marked with lines saying,

33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world, ye shall have tribulation: but be if good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Oh, God. Are you the one really talking to me now? Or it's just my crazy thoughts? Doubts dawned upon her but she still continued turning the pages onward and saw another marked verse:

15 While it is said, Today if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts, as in the provocation.

So, its your voice speaking to me now. But I don't understand any of these things. I don't know you, God. What shall I do?

Her fingers seemed to follow with her thoughts, naturally turning the pages and stopped just exactly where the answer to her question be found. She read another marked verse:

6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

She closed the Bible for awhile. She could not believe being guided by the unseen force to the exact verses that would fit her needs. No, it's just coincidental. She placed the Bible aside and went back to sleep.

Denise closed her eyes. But in the dark recesses of her mind the verses were popping and shouting so loud:

I am the way, the truth, and the life.
Today if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts.

She couldn't sleep. She kept tossing on her bed. The verses were coming over and over again, like an echo unheard but trying to catch attention.

Then she sat down, took the Bible that she set aside awhile ago. She held it close on her chest and embraced it between her arms. And for the first time in many years, she found herself bowing down her head and prayed.

Oh, Jesus, I don't understand what you want from me. I'm lost. I don't even know who I am. I don't even have a family now, because I drove them all away. They hurt me. And even if I want to, I just don't know how to forget these things without feeling the pain. I hate my Papa, my Lola and Lolo and now, I also hate Manang Pacing. They all lied to me. I just cannot forgive them. I'm sorry, but I can't. Please give me peace. I don't want to continue living this way. Please help me what to do. Please.

Afterwards, Denise opened the Bible again and before her eyes were the marked verses in read letters, saying:

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: 15. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

At that moment, all Denise could do was cry. The rebuke she received was piercing her heart even more. She already experienced all the pain that would drown her heart. Yet the pain coming from God's words was too sharp wounding not only her heart, but penetrating her soul as well.

But Lord, they hurt me? She reasoned and turned the pages from the Old Testament to justify her thoughts.

4 Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. 5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

It's so difficult for Denise to accept the voice within her. But at the same time, it was too hard for her also to deny God was indeed the one speaking to her heart and mind.

She wanted peace. She wanted healing. And maybe, she could find more than what she's looking for if she would give God a try.

Denise pushed the buzzer again. Moments later, a nurse came smiling and asked with deep concern in her voice.

"Is there anything wrong, miss?"

"Oh, nothing. I just want to know if you have a priest or a pastor or whoever in this hospital whom I can talk to and explain this thing to me?" She was referring to the Bible in her hand.

"Yes, miss. We have a chaplain here. Actually, he came over in this room when you were sleeping. I'll go and check if he's still around."

"Thank you. I will be waiting."

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Bible verses found above in order of appearance include the following:
Matthew 11:28
1Peter 5:7
John 16:33
Hebrew 3:15
John 14:6
Matthew 6:14,15
Isaiah 53:4,5

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