Say you Love me (S. Gecko)

Enough is Enough

Song of the Chapter: Black Roses by Nashville Cast

Seth hasn't stopped doing drugs and he drinks what a lovely mixture. I get more discouraged that I can keep him sane for much longer. I'm losing hope and I think he is too. I can't leave him he needs me like I needed him at the Titty Twister. If I leave him what kind of person would I be, I say I love him then leave I won't leave him. I try to get his mind off of the drugs but he keeps doing them and it hurts. It hurts because he is keeping it from me. He thinks I don't know he still sticks himself. In his mind I think he stopped and I don't, I know he hasn't. I just want him to let me in and help. He has these random surges on anger and I always get the brunt force of it because I'm still here. It's like a verbally abusive relationship and it's unhealthy,it's hurting the both of us. He yells at me, locks himself in the bathroom, comes out after he has injected himself and apologizes to me. It's a repetitive cycle and I told myself I wouldn't do it anymore but I can'y bring my self to leave. It kills me to see him like this in this state, it feels like our relationship is crumbling in our hands. Like we are holding on to it to hard and its crumbling and I keep trying to pick up the fallen pieces. But how much longer can I do that until I break myself? I'm trying to stay strong for the both of us but how much longer can I keep this relationship from sinking. He needs help but he won't let me help him. He must think I'm not smart enough to figure out he's lying to me. Last time I asked him if he is still using, he couldn't look me in the eyes or give me a direct answer. He may be able to lie to other people and look them in the eye, but he can't do that to me he knows I see through the bullshit he tells me. But the drugs cloud his thinking and he thinks I haven't seen through the lie. I have...... and it sucks that he keeps lying to me for no reason. We never really leave the motel anymore only to get food, we use to go on drives around Mexico, we don't anymore. He needs help and he won't let me help him, so there's only one thing I can do. Is leave. I can't be under his spell anymore or be his crutch. He pushes me to that point and there is no going back and it hurts me that I might have to leave him if he doesn't stop lying to me. I'm tired of being lied too. He needs to get it together and he might have to do it by himself. I don't want to have to do this to him but I might have to huh who knew I might have the courage to leave him. Oh who am I kidding I don't think I ever will but I do have a plan. I'm going to pack my stuff and move into another vacant room in the middle of the night get the keys today then while he is passed out from his high move all my stuff out and into the room. Hopefully the one next door is empty I don't think I can go to far from him. That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to show him how close he is to losing me. If he keeps lying to me he might loose me forever I might have to go back to Bethel and stay with Kate. I wonder if Kate is staying at the house or has she moved somewhere else. Huh it's funny how this started out as a family trip, that went to dad dropping everything and going on the "run" ,to getting taken hostage, to me falling in love. How this all started from a family trip. I miss my family.........Thats all for today..........

-Melanie F.