Say you Love me (S. Gecko)

Not so mine and only mine...

Song of the chapter: Sandcastles by Beyonce (This song got me in my feels.)

Life sucks, it can go from really good to really bad. It's been about 2 week since Kate left and Seth and I can't stop fighting. He has walked out a couple times and so have I, it's unhealthy. We made a promise to never leave each other, but plans change. I think he is sleeping with other women and drinking more and more. It's getting really hard to bear and to accept. I really wish he would talk to me, but he won't. I think the fact Richie left him for Santanico is starting to affect him more now. Today is my birthday, I thought we would stop fighting just for today, but life never works out the way you want. If it did I would still have my dad, Kate, and Scott with me. I would be dating Seth and he would still have Richie with him and they would pull easy jobs together. I guess every promise don't work out. Seth walked out this morning and hasn't been back. I guess that's all journal for today........

-Melanie F.

I wipe off the tear that fell on the paper, it just smeared. It's about 3pm and Seth walked out at 730am, I wonder what he's doing. I look at the photo booth pictures Seth and I took last week before we started fighting so much and crying so much, mostly on my part. Ok all on my part, Seth never cries and it seems like he never cared. Maybe I should walk away, I think about it a lot, but then Seth walks in then we make up and repeat the next day. I start ripping the pictures up under each picture, because I couldn't rip them through the pictures. Why do I keep going back to him, why can't I leave him? I keep trying but it never works, I can't go through with it. My heart won't let me leave him and neither will my mind. It makes me want to pull my hair out and scream. It makes me want to hit him over and over until I can't take it no more. What is it about him that I can't get out of my mind? Is it that he makes me feel alive, or makes my life more exhilarating and dangerous. We can't see a therapist because he's a criminal and I'm his hostage. I don't feel like his girlfriend anymore I feel like his hostage and I'm scared that is how he sees me again.

It's about 5pm when Seth walks back in. "Where were you?" "Out." "What's that suppose to mean, Out." "I was out, I was obviously not in here." "Where were you?" "I told you I was out?" "Thats not good enough." "Is anything good enough for you." "I just want an actual answer not just out." "Well thats what your going to get." "Well I'm not going to except that, I was here worried about you." "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST EXCEPT THAT I WAS OUT, NO YOU NEED AN ANSWER!!" "I'm sorry that I was worried about you." "WELL OBVIOUSLY I'M FINE!" "Yea you're right sorry." I slap my hands on my thighs and get up and walk out the door. As I get to the door Seth says "And where do you think you are going." "Out." I walk out and away from the motel. I found myself walking to a little diner.I walk in and find an empty booth and look at the menu. I order food for myself and wait for it to get to my table. I look out the window and watch the scenery and people pass by. I see the car Seth had bought so we had a car to get around park outside the diner. huh.... He must be here to take me back. My food gets to the table at the same time as Seth does he slides into the booth. I look down at my food as I eat it. "Are you going to look up and talk to me." I stay silent and eat my food. "Look I'm sorry okay." I laugh. "What's so funny." "You think you can come here and give me this crappy apology and we would go back to normal, that I would run back into your arms and we would live happily ever after?" "Yea I sorta did." Seth said as he scratched the back of his neck. I got money out of my pocket just enough for the food and a tip. I got up and threw it on the table and walked out. "Blue, wait!" I continue to walk back on the road trying to get away from him. I hear a car pull up next to me. "Blue get in the car." He thinks just because he says sorry it will all be ok, I don't think so. "Mel get in the damn car." "Fuck you Seth Gecko."

He parks the car and gets out. "If you're not going to come with me willingly I'll have to kidnap you again." He grabs me and I struggle and scream. He throws me in the passenger seat and locks the car so I can't make a run for it. He gets in, starts the car, and turns in around. "Look Blue, I was a dick to you and you just wanted to know where I was and I'm sorry." I just look at the window. "You can ignore me all you want, but I won't let you leave me no way in hell." I look at him. "Have you slept with other women." He sighed. "Yes." "Huh." "What's that suppose to mean." "Nothing absolutely nothing."

We get back to the hotel and I go straight to the bathroom and lock the door. I sit on the toilet and put my head in my hands. I hear a knock on the door. "Blue can we talk about this please, I don't want to lose you." I open the door and look at him. "You already have." I walk past him and lay in the bed. I feel Seth lay down next to me and put his arm around me. I get up and go lay in Kate's bed and get comfortable. He sighs and thrashes in bed for a minute then lays still. I lay in the bed and cry. I guess he's not so mine and only mine.........