sober//joshler

GRAVE

The air felt heavy as Tyler made his way through the long, icy grass surrounding the narrow dirt path. The scene wasn't totally unpleasant, quite the opposite, in fact. It was a cold afternoon, too cold for anyone to be out in the small little patch of grass off the main road that functioned as the local graveyard. The winter weather did give the place a chilled atmosphere, the grey headstones standing stark ans dark against the pale strands of grass. The whole area felt ethereal as he pushed his way through the field, bowing his head against the sharp breeze.

There he was.

Sitting on top of the slight hill, stony face overlooking the street below.

Of course, Jay couldn't see the street. He couldn't see much. Dead people were like that.

Tyler made his way through the long grass, stopping when he was right in front of the headstone. He knelt down, ignoring the slight dampness that seeped through his jeans and ran a hand gently across the rough engraving of Jay's name on the dark stone.

"Hey, bro."

Talking to his dead brother's headstone was weird on a whole new level, and Tyler knew it. But it wasn't like he thought Jay could hear him. He knew his brother was dead, he understood very well what had happened. It was more of a coping mechanism than anything. A way for him to sit alone and talk about his problems, but still feel like someone was listening.

"It's been a while," Tyler continued quietly, eyes on the ground now. "Hope you're hanging in there, wherever you are. Having fun, seeing all your friends. Anyways, I know I haven't been here in a while. School's been...."

Tyler paused for a moment, picking at the dirt.

"Not great." he finished flatly. "The whole thing with Josh seems to be getting worse, y'know. He keeps trying to talk to me, which is weird. Like, I want him to, I really want to talk to him, but when he does I can't stand it." Tyler paused, laughing quietly. "That's stupid I know. And this trip is coming up, to a winter lodge in Maine or something. I- I don't want to go."

He ripped at the ground harder.

"Everyone will be there. Gerard. Frank. By the way, they broke up. Frank's not doing well, I'm worried. So is Gerard. We had a fight today, me and Frank. He said some shit which was kinda mean but probably true. All about how my head's in my ass and I don't care about anyone's problems but my own, blah blah blah."

Tyler paused again, exhaling forcefully through his nose.

"I'm not selfish," he declared, the question in his voice painfully obvious. "I'm not."

Liar, the headstone seemed to say.

Tyler shook his head, carrying on.

"Anyways, the trip. Frank, Gerard. Probably Michael, probably Pete. Jenna, hopefully at least. Ryan. Brendon and Josh. They're dating now, you know. Nice to know at least one of us had recovered from everything. Maybe I should date Jenna just to piss him off," Tyler snorted, shaking his head. "Yeah, that's a thought. But I don't wanna go, not at all. The thing is, since you left, home's been shitty. Everyone's gone, Zack barely talks to us anymore. He hates mom and dad now. Fair enough, I guess. I hate them too."

He dragged a hand across Jay's name again, sighing.

"They always loved you more. I dunno why. But they did. And now you're not here. It's just me, and I can tell, when they look at me, when I'm in the room."

He swallowed painfully.

"They wish it was me. Me here, and you alive. They look at me, and they want you."