thoughts and feelings

july 9

to you,
    i gave up today. i gave up on trying to make something happen. i wanted to be happy, even if it didn't last forever i wanted to know what it was like to be happy. but you do not want that. i love you but you don't love me. you said it's okay because we still are best friends but that's the problem. i can't handle the pain anymore. just talking to you and hearing everyone talk about what good friends we are makes my gut wrench and my heart sink. i want to be with you more than anything and i can't. i just can't. i promised myself i wouldn't cry, but here i am sobbing. i'm completely heartbroken over a heart i never had. i read about heartbreak in books but i didn't believe it was that bad, but now i can't describe the feeling into words. i'm sorry i came and messed everything up. you had other better friends that i can't compare to, so you tired and were disappointed. that's what i am. a disappointment. i wish i could just muster up the inner strength and happiness to move on and become friends with you like you want, but i can't do that. i can't. i think about you so much that your a permanent thought inside my head that i want to erase but at the same time leave to admire and protect. i hope that you will find someone that gives you the whole world, because that's what you deserve. someone that will hold your hand and walk with you out into the field back behind your house like we did. someone who you can cuddle and eat snack cakes with at midnight. someone that explains how much they love you in person and not stumble over their words. someone that can kiss you in public and not be afraid. i hope you get someone who was everything i always wanted to be, but am not. you asked for a reason why you wouldn't love me, but when i told you we couldn't be friends anymore you said it's fine, you were fine.

and that's all the proof i need.