thoughts and feelings

ilusm

looks like we have a bit of a pattern here going on don't we? Sometime late at night you tell me you like me and then the next morning you come to your senses and date someone else. isn't it funny? they say it hurts less the next time but they're wrong, it stings my insides and makes my head ache and heart throb. then the next day we'll just pretend like nothing happened. i guess my feelings are invalid, at night we're all in over our heads and say things we don't mean. but i mean what i say, and i'm tired of this crap. i wouldn't be upset if you hadn't lied. "i don't want a relationship" "i'm happy being single." right. you say you don't want to date me because you'd hurt me, but what about everyone else? i guess you weren't afraid to hurt them? the funny thing is you remind me of the first person i ever loved, you both are polar opposites, you hate each other. yet he told me he loved me and he left me, because he never cared in the first place. so i healed and tried again, and look where i am. why. why why why why why. i don't get it? do you pity? do you want to see me hurt? is it all some kind of sick joke? i don't understand. but even after all this, i love you. i love you so much and it hurts but i'm glad you're happy because that's what matters, i guess i can't give it to you like they can. did you ever like me? i am so sick of telling you i'm fine i want to tell you i'm upset and hurt. but what will that do? nothing. absolutely nothing. am i not smart enough? not pretty? my personality is awful but you made me feel like it was amazing. you told me everything i wanted to hear. and i actually believed you. i really did. yet i still love you and keep going back to you, but i don't know if you love me how i love you. but i think if you loved me, i wouldn't be where i am now.

ilusm,
        - treeland