The Different Shades of Love {WATTYS 2018}

Chapter 2

"Funny how the heart can be deceiving. More than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy? Even when it's not right" Try by P!nk 

Things with me and Trevor have been great for the last 6 months. It's like I have my best friend back and it's amazing. We haven't fought for 6 months! I'm picturing us spending the rest of our lives together again. I can see us getting married and having kids. But I'm still not ready for that step with him. Even though things have been so great I still have that loss of trust with him. I really hope I can get it back. How do you trust after someone hurts you like that? Is it possible? I sure hope it is cause I love this man.

As I stare out at the ocean with him standing behind me and his arms wrapped around my waist I decided it was time to let him know why this place is so special to me. Even after 4 years of him being in my life I haven't been able to bring myself to talk about it. But it's time; I need to do this to let go of some of this sadness that keeps eating me alive. 

In almost a whisper I say to him "Do you want to know why this place is so special to me?" He turns me around and kisses my forehead and tells me he'd love for me to open up to him. I can see the excitement in his eyes. It's the same look a kid gets on Christmas morning when they see all the presents under the tree.

 I take a deep breath and let my lungs fill with the salty ocean air and I tell him that this is where I spread my mom's ashes after she died of breast cancer. He got a sad look on his face before he asked, "What happened to your dad?" Crap I didn't think he'd ask about him. But I guess I need to get that out in the open too.

 Ugh.... I close my eyes and almost like I was just blurting it out I said "I was 8 years old living in Paris when he got hit by a car on his way home from work and died on the spot. My mom couldn't stand living there anymore. Every street reminded her of him, so we moved here to The Hamptons." I could see the wheels in his head spinning before he asks, "How could you afford to move here?" 

Of all things he could ask me that's what he asks? I don't get it but hey that's what makes us all different right? I quietly say "Well my dad had a huge life insurance policy and my mom and I got it when he died. It was enough so that my mom and I were set up for life. When my mom passed I got her life insurance as well as what was left from my dads. I'm set up for life and if I have kids they'll be set up for life as well." I could see Trevor's jaw drop before he brought his hand to his mouth and said, "So we've been together for a long time and I pretty much live with you as it is. So why don't I get rid of my place and move in with you and we can start a family together?"

What the fuck? Did he really just ask that? Part of me wants to say yes but I know that it's too soon. I mean we just started to get back on track. I have to be honest so I tell him not yet. He's pissed! Like super fucking pissed! He started to scream at the tops of his lungs at me. I asked him if we could please not do this right now. Especially not here, so we went back to my house. I've never seen him this pissed before. I'm seriously scared right now.

As soon as we walk through the door I feel a pain in my back before I fall forward. I quickly stand up and push him and tell him not to lay his fucking hands on me. Fuck that was the wrong thing to say. He started to slap me, punch me, kick me, and he even grabbed me by hair and pulled me into the bedroom and threw me on the floor. I could taste the metallic taste of blood in my mouth, I could feel the broken ribs with each breath, I could feel the tears running down my face but there was nothing I could do but lay here. I know I blacked out. For how long I have no clue. 

I open my eyes and see Trevor standing over my beaten body smoking (like he did last time). He picks me up gently and placed me on the bed. He kisses me and I do nothing but lay there. Before I know what's happening he's inside me. He's having sex with me while I still have blood in my mouth and tears streaming down my face. I turn my face so I can't see his face. Just looking at him makes my skin crawl. Feeling him inside me makes me want to throw up. I want to scream get off me! I want to kick him so hard in his balls but I'm frozen. Frozen in fear. Frozen in pain. His moans are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. When he finishes he whispers "I love you." while kissing my face. This is no way to live. I need to get out. After I heal I have to make sure I get out of here.

The next couple weeks are a blur. I'm in so much pain that I'm stuck in bed. Trevor has been waiting on me day and night. From feeding me, bathing me, and changing my clothes. There's nothing he could do to ever make me want him again. I'm just trying to save all my energy till I'm strong enough to get away. I kept thinking the whole time I was laying there that there has to be that love out there that doesn't hurt. A love that doesn't make you see black, one that makes you see and feel the colors of your love. That's what I want. I'm never going to settle for anything less then that! The thought of finding that is what made me stronger.

Finally he left to go get food from the store and I knew this was my chance to get away and that's what I did. I grabbed as many clothes as I could and I ran to my friend Jade's house. Her house is the only place where he wouldn't know where to find me. How am I going to get him out of my house though? I guess I haven't thought this out all the way. Oh well I guess all that matters at the moment is that I'm safe. But how long will that last?

I feel like I am so broken that I'll never be happy again. Maybe that's what my life will always be. Maybe I'm destined to spend my life sad, broken, and unloved. I used to be so strong. I used to hold my head up high. But now, now I'm lying in bed crying not knowing if I'm strong enough to continue this shit life.

My thoughts are dark. My thoughts are taking me to a place where I just want to end everything. Would I be missed? Would me just ending it all be a relief? I'd be able to see my mom and dad again. How could being with the people I loved most in this world again be a bad thing? When did I become this person? I did this to myself, so I have no one to blame except for myself. Maybe everything would be better with me gone? 

A/N Thanks for reading guys! Make sure to leave me comment with your thoughts and press that little star to vote for this chapter. Until next time XOXO