The Beginning

Silence is the Loudest Scream

Silence.

Neither one of us says a word. How do you even start to explain something like this? This is so absolutely crazy. She looks at me, waiting for me to start talking. "Stef -"

"When I was sixteen years old, I was best friends with this girl named Tess." I know she said I only had five minutes to explain but there's so much to say. "She made me happier than anyone I had ever met. We would do everything together and just talk until 3 in the morning." She made everything in life so simple and carefree; the complete opposite of my family.

Being friends with her was the best time of my life. Up until I met Lena and then she became the best thing in my life. "Stef, is this relevant?"

"Yes, I promise." Best to keep this as short as I can or at least say as much before she kicks me out. "Because we were so inseparable, we never wanted to spend a moment apart. One night, I invited her to stay the night at my parents' house to watch a movie. Anyway, we started to, you know, get closer to each other and we were cuddling on the couch. When my dad came back from work and turned on the lights to find us in that position, he started to yell that he wouldn't have a..." I remember that night so clearly. I wonder how he'd react if he knew what I was doing now. "He said he couldn't have a gay daughter and he kicked Tess out of the house. But that wasn't the end of that night. He spent the rest of the night yelling at me and he forbade me from seeing Tess ever again. I went to my room and cried the entire night but that wasn't the worst part of the nightmare. When I woke up the next morning to go to school, I saw my parents waiting at the door with a priest. He, um..." Shit. I'm getting emotional. I can feel myself tearing up. "The priest came to take me away to a Christian boarding school nearby where they deal with kids like me."

I wipe whatever tears are starting to fall. "What does that mean? Kids like you?" I look up at her and I can see she knows what I mean but doesn't believe that it's true. "Kids who are gay?" Her eyes have a look of sorrow in them.

I nod in disbelief at the sad moment of my life. "I couldn't believe my parents would do something like this and I looked at them in the hope that they would change their mind. But they didn't. Not even my mom. As the priest came to get me, well, you know me - stubborn as all hell. I didn't go without a fight. I mean, he literally had to drag me out kicking and screaming." I chuckle a little. Sometimes, my stubbornness gets me in trouble but sometimes, I am so happy that this is who I am. "When they finally got me out the door, I saw Tess standing there watching everything that was happening. She struck something in me and at that moment, I fought so hard that I basically jumped out of the priest's hands and ran to Tess. I hugged her tight, sobbing into her shoulder. She whispered to me that everything was going to be okay and I told her that I loved her. Obviously, I meant it as friends but I really did love her more than friends. I just didn't know it yet. My father and the priest grabbed me away from her and put me in the car that would take me to what I now refer to as hell." I run my hand through my hair and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. God, I wish I could erase that memory from my mind. "I'll keep this part short and simple. The entire time I stayed at that boarding school, I was told every day that being gay was a sin and that I would go to hell. I don't think you understand how excited I was to leave that place. I made a promise on my last day that I would never, ever go back there again and I would do whatever it took to for me to be the little girl my parents raised me to be. Anyway, flash forward a year - the summer before my senior year. I was so excited to be back with my friends but because I had a mission, the first thing I did was call Mike. Oh, by the way, Mike and I dated a little in high school but I ended it. When I called him, I told him that I wanted to get back together and he agreed."

"You truly are irresistible, Stephanie Foster. Everyone somehow falls in love with you, men and women." Barely above a whisper, I say her name. "No, really Stef. I mean, you've managed to have gotten three people to fall for you only for you to break their hearts. Please, tell me how you do it." How do I respond to that? I'm not going to defend myself because I know she's right. But every moment I am silent, the closer I get to losing her.