Replace Your Heart // Michael Clifford fanfic

Day Eleven.

It was 3am and we were both laying beside each other, her head on my shoulder and my other arm around her waist and her hands were wrapped around my neck, she was totally snuggled into me and so was I. At that moment, I swear I did not want to change anything. Nothing at all. Me losing my passport, going to the airport to drop the boys, taking a cab to a mall, running into her... nothing at all. It all seemed to be perfect, right here right now. Everything about her made me feel content and happy. Her presence was much needed in my life and having her just beside me made me really really secure. It was weird, really weird. I felt her shift which just meant that she was still awake too.

"Alyssa?" I lowered my head towards her and pecked her cheek, "you're still up?"

"Yeah, I can't sleep," She shrugged.

"Me too," I bit my lower lip.

"Tonight was......amazing," she finally said.

"It was, it was great," I assured.

"I was so nervous to.. uh forget," she shifted, "I love this rolling stones t-shirt so much," she pointed out at the t-shirt she was wearing.

"You were nervous to?" I asked her, "it looks better on you than it does on me,"

"I'm sorry," She bit her lip, "I'm sorry I told you I wanted the same thing as you and then stopped you.."

"Oh," I shook my head, "that's not a problem," I chuckled, "I'm here with you and that's all what matters,"

"Yeah, but that was really stupid of me, we were so close but I just blew it," she sighed.

"Alyssa," I pulled her on top of me, "I don't care okay? I don't care if we do it or not, if you're not comfortable its better we don't. And its okay... I saw your boobs you know? It was so worth it," I smirked.

"Oh god, you're so stupid," She blushed, "I was just... eh, not sure," She stood up and walked towards the balcony. I followed her and sat next to her, staring at the sky above us.

"And its okay, its just been 10 days, its fine," I assured her, "I can wait."

"I know, I know that. Waiting was never an issue, I know you would. I heard you when you hit Zakee that day, I heard you yell about how when someone asks to wait for getting physical, men should respect that. I'm not sure of me, I am not sure of what I want," She looked at me.

"What about yourself are you not sure of?" I asked her.

"You don't wanna know, its stupid," She gave me a sad smile.

"I wanna know, I want to know whats bothering you," I told her, rather serious this time.

"I don't know. Its... its my skin. I'm insecure, I don't like my stomach. I don't like my chest, I hate my body. I want to lose weight so bad. Almost all my break ups have happened because of my depression or because I'm so fucked in the head and I'm so attached to you, I'm growing fond of you and I'm not sure if I exactly would want to sleep with you, I mean... what if that just makes me want you more?  I hate my complexion. I hate everything about me," she sighed, "that's the truth. I am not comfortable with my own skin, how am I gonna let you in it? How am I going to give you all of myself when I don't even like who I am, my eyes are so sulk, and they're plain brown. Its just..everything about me is boring, you don't want to know me on that level,"

I shook my head and stared at her for a second, I looked at the sky and looked back at her again, not saying a word, I wasn't quite sure what to say, I just heard her complain, I just watched as she complained about her eyes and how sunken in they appeared, or the way she disliked her mouth and how small it seemed to be. She made a fuss about her own skin and how dark her complexion was, or the way she did not like her hands and how her veins would pop out.