Hell

Chapter 4 || did I do this?

"Are you sure? I've taken the day off just for you," my Mum says a bit annoyed.

I finally manage to look her in the eye. My facial expression is blank. 

"Yeah I'm sure," I snap rudely as I stand up, forgetting that I'm only in my bra and panties, revealing all of my cuts.

Mum's facial expression goes from being annoyed to being concerned. I look over to the bathroom and then back at mom and then I try to run to it but mum pulls me back.

"What are those?!" she almost yells as she grips my arm. I could see the sadness in her eyes.

"I need to get ready for school," I say blankly. I start to walk towards the bathroom and this time my mum lets go of me.

I lock the door behind me and strip. I then jump into the shower to wash my hair.
Once I'm done I unlock the door and my mum stands right in front of me.

"Rose, you need to talk to me. I am your mother!"

I look her up and down and push her out of my way. "I don't want to talk."
I walk down the stairs towards the hallway, trying to get out of here as fast as possible.

I hear my mum scream my name. I turn around and I see that she's chasing after me, but I ignore her and turn back around again, starting to walk towards the front door. I slam the door and head to school.

After 20 minutes of walking I reach the school. PE is my first lesson, which is my least favorite lesson. It's not because of the subject PE, it's because I have to get changed in front of everyone.

I start to walk to the football field when Jessica and all of her friends come and walks in front of me.

"I hate PE," one of her friends whines.

"Yeah me too.. especially when you have to get undressed in front of a dyke," another one of her friends says and looks back at me and giggles.

"I feel so sorry for that Abby girl because of the weird dyke is in love with her," Jessica says as if she's going to vomit.

I freeze for a minute and then I decide to head back home. I can't take it anymore. I try to suck all of my emotions in but it has gotten too much and it feels like I'm going to explode. I don't care if class hasn't finished. So what, I miss a day of school. No big deal.

I arrive home, standing in front of the door deciding whether I should go in or not. I decide to go in, hoping for the best.

I see my mum in the kitchen drinking coffee and reading something on her phone. She then turns her head and looks over at me. She gives me a weak smile. "What are you doing home so early?"

I couldn't hold it back anymore, I had to tell someone about how I really feel. Because it feels like I'm constantly walking around with a very heavy backpack and it's starting to get way too heavy. I need to relieve pressure off of my shoulders. So I uncontrollably burst into tears as I fall on my knees.

My Mum hurries over to me. "Rose? What's wrong?"

I don't say anything, I just continue crying. Instead of saying anything else, my mum helps me up and gives me a hug. I place my head in the crook of her neck as she brushes my hair with her fingers. Our hug lasts for a couple of minutes before she speaks again.

"Lets talk in the front room," my mum says as she lifts my chin up and wipes away my tears.

We sit down on our sofa. Mum decides to sit right next to me, but I don't mind. She grabs my hands and looks into my eyes.

"So... about those cuts on your arms?" My mum ask with her vocie shaking a bit. I'm pretty sure she knows already, but she wants confirmation. She then starts to roll up my sleeves gently.

"Yeah they've been there for a awhile now.." I say and swallow.

"Why haven't you told me about how you feel? I'm there for you. I'm your mother," my mum says sadly.

"Because it feels like you would never understand and that you would think that I am a dramaqueen... j-just seeking for attention," I answer, my vocie shaking. "And don't try to deny it because I heard you last night with dad"," I continue, looking down.

"Baby I didn't mean it that way. I meant... I just- I didn't know it was this bad," my mum replies. Her voice is full of sadness. "Plus, I was really tired last night and very stressed out. I'm sorry." She takes a deep breath. "I would understand Rose. I-" she sighs. "Ive been through this before."

"What? How could you? You're Katy Perry, the famous pop star. Your life is perfect." A single tear slides down my cheek, but my mum wipes it away with her thumb. "It doesn't matter if you meant it or not it still hurts!" I add, snapping.

"Rose... being a celebrity.. it's harder than you think- than anyone thinks." She sighs, taking a deep breath. "Ive been through depression, Rose. I just wish you came to talk to me. I'm your mum! Please speak to me. Why are you doing this to yourself?! This is not okay."

I stand up, and instead of sadness I'm replaced by anger. "Do you know WHY I cut myself?! Why I use sharp objects to place cuts onto my skin and feel the pain?! Because I get bullied! daily! Physical and emotional! I get bullied for being YOUR daughter. Yeah, thanks a lot. I'm so MAD at you for creating me! I hate myself! I hate myself for existing! I'm ugly and I'm fat and no one loves me!" I spit, anger rising in me. I sigh. "No one loves me. I just need to die," I whisper, tears streaming down my face. I can't even bare to look at my mum. After all, I just blamed the one person I love for harming myself.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, and another lifts my head up so I'm looking at my mother's gorgeous eyes. She's so pretty. Why can't I be like her?

"Rose. You're gorgeous. You're a mixture of myself and your father, you have so much talent coming from him." - I weakly smile at that.- "And speaking for your dad and myself, we couldn't love you more. You're the most beautiful girl in the universe, and I can't believe you would ever think that about yourself. You're our daughter! We love you, Rose. Seeing you like this is bringing me so much pain. Why didn't you tell me?!" Suddenly my mum does the last thing I thought she'd do.

She bursts into tears.

"M-mum?" I softly say, placing my hand on her shoulder.

She continues to cry, her tears rolling down her makeup applied face. She doesn't say anything.
"Mum are you okay?" I say, starting to worry, I get up and sit myself on her lap, looking into her eyes. "Mum?"

Suddenly, she starts to shake. Not very dramatically, but I can feel her body shivering and I see her hands shaking. "M-mother?"

My dad, probably hearing us, runs into my room. "What's going o-" he stops when he sees my mum. "Oh my god." He hurried towards us, grabbing my mum in his arms as I slide off of her lap.

"Dad what's going on?" I say, my voice trembling.
"We have to go to the hospital," he simply says, fear in his voice.
"Dad?" My eyes become full with tears and my vision goes blurry. Was this because of me? What's happening? Is my mum like this because of me? Did I do this to her?

All sorts of questions pop into my mind as I follow my parents down the stairs, my vision blurry. Suddenly, as I'm in the middle of the stairs, silently crying my eyes out for what I'm doing to my mother, with my blurred vision, I trip on something and tumble down the stairs, my vision going dark.