Got To Be Good-looking ('cause he's so hard to see)

~52~

Clare

The flight was horrid, turbulence and screaming infants. Vanessa slept thankfully, the days having left an indelible mark on her and everything clearly caught up to her.

"Here we are!" I was trying so hard to be light and breezy, happy. I haven't cried yet, wanting to protect Vanessa from my own fragility and tears. "This can be your room if you like"

"It smells" Vanessa sniffed the air and the mustiness of the closed-up apartment made for not very nice aromas.

"Let's open up all the windows shall we and I have a vanilla scented candles around here someplace..."

"I want to go home. I hate it here"

"But huny we can visit the beach and aquarium. Please give this a chance" When I turned around from hunting for the candles her door was shut and I stood in the hallway staring at the closed door and listening to a little girl sobbing. Hand over my own mouth, I slid to the floor in the bathroom to do some of my own.

"Hello?" my voice cracked and I tried to register the caller but had to ask them to clarify twice before he woke me up. I lay with a hand over my eyes, not wanting the world to flood in.

"Clare" John didn't say anything, only silence flooded the line. Silent for so long... long enough for me to breath his voice into my soul "Can I come see you"

"John. I. No, I think Vanessa and I need to get over our hurdles first" I held the receiver like a vice, trying to garner his strength down the line "She hates me, John. She hates my home, she hates LA. I don't know what to do, it's so hard. I'm not a mum" the words broke and shattered as they left my lips.

What I didn't want to say tumbled down the line anyway and I mentally slapped myself. John had enough on his plate this last year, I'm just another problem.

"You don't have to be her mum, be her friend Clare. Give her sunshine and the beach, walk for miles" He had that right, I wasn't her mum "She needs space but she needs you too. Look, I've got Julian here.... how about three days' time you come here.. swimming pool, beach, bikes, they can play, let her be a kid and forget about being sad for a few hours?"

"Sounds great" My voice was flat and lifeless I couldn't find emotions or colour for this darkness.

"And you?"

"Me what, John?" I wanted to call him 'Cap' it was our 'thing'. It had me remembering the utter ridiculousness that was us and our holiday. It was our holiday- not mine, not his, ours.

"How is my guitar girl?"

"She needs a hug, a big, big hug"

"Well I have arms to hold you, keep you satisfied, luv" His voice cheered me a little and I giggled at the song reference he buoyed me me with.

"Ok I'll be by Tuesday at 9am, alright"

Vanessa stood over me, a photo of her mum clutched to her chest.

"Clare?"

"Yea ... nine, bye" I hung up the phone with a clatter, guilty that I dropped the call like I did, but Vanessa's eyes were haunted as she waited for me to focus on her.

Cass stood over me right in that moment the little girl so very like her mummy.

"Hmmm?"

"I still want to go home"

Oh this is going to be another long day.