Got To Be Good-looking ('cause he's so hard to see)

~38~

Clare

We made love in the daylight today.

Well the block out drapes were drawn and I had my eyes closed as Cap took me ever higher to heaven.

He didn't grumble at my jiggly bits, the pieces of me that remain from losing weight, the pieces I wish I could hacksaw away or staple with a surgical stapler. I shouldn't grumble, I lost the weight but still I have that slight flabbly feeling about my arms and belly, top of my thighs, brain......

Oh, my mind just runs away without me sometimes, I think of the darkness as my shawl of denial but he seems to like me, for me. And I will thank him always, for just that.

I'm using the darkness for my mind to hide and I shouldn't. Everything he sees has been accepted, like exhaling, inhaling, natural, accepted to be.

Sometimes I think my words ran away because I lost the weight.

That my creative streak was enveloped in my body.

Of late though, I have felt whispers, buds of lyrics. Maybe there is some spark left, some lingering embers just about ready to flame alive again.

Standing up I walk to the mirror stare, then showered and finally I was free of tomatoes sauce, hmmmmm it was a little more saucy than I intended; but very fun.

In the mirror, and my mind, I still see a large girl. Never say fat 'large', but I need to open my eyes wide to see what he sees, what everyone else seems to see, and accept.

I close my eyes and reach.

To see myself through his eyes.

To see Linda's obvious pride in my feat.

To capture the surprise on Paul's face.

Cass's emotional congratulations.

Yes they see new me, please for once let me see new me, crossing fingers behind my back I take a big breath and slowly, ever so slowly, op-

"Clare what are you doing?" Linda stands in the doorway, and I'm cringing and ducking for the bedsheet.

"Nothing"

"Didn't look like nothing, it looked like someone scared of opening her eyes, but wishing she wasn't"

"How did you know that" barely a whisper but she heard me loud and clear.

"It was a wild guess, pretty good aren't I" She grinned and flopped on the bed then stood checking the state of the room. "So..... getting cosy in the same cottage now?"

"Nooo, mine sprung a leak and the windows blew out" I picked up a t-shirt and checked it was mine. It was inside out, I quickly remedied the problem and slipped it on.

"So, you're in what's his names cottage in the buff" Linda picked up an aftershave bottle, smelling the contents nodding at the very pleasing scent. I was in bra and undies but didn't correct her, I might as well have been starkers.

"He's not here" I defended myself, I'll never win.

"Front doors wide open, Clare. Give it up would you"

Arghhhh.

Linda has a way of winning the argument and stripping bandaids of pain away, all at the same time. I wanted to tell her. Geez I want to brag even.

"Linda its complicated and weird, much too delicate for your sensitive ears"

"I haven't been called sensitive since...." She had to think "...never. Never have I been called sensitive. I'm pretty blunt and to the point, not sensitive. Seductive, sultry but never sensitive – mirror story pretty please sweetie...."

"I need booze, lets raid the cupboards"

Half a bottle of scotch doesn't dull us, I'm still clammed up and Linda is still on my case. 

Sitting in silence, watching the gulls float on the wind, the afternoon drifts towards evening.

"I'm fat"

"No, you are not! You have lost a heap of weight!" Lin was slouched, now she sits straight and pokes my arm with a finger.

"My mind still says I am Lin. I think one reason I like Cappy-" Linda interrupted with a snort for his 'name'. I chose to ignore and continue on my merry way "..Is that I can hide in the dark, not because the real him would be revealed in daylight but more importantly that I and Cap, can't see me"

"But you are perfect now, curvy. I wish I had your curves girl! I'm like a piece of that fish, what's it called?....... Sole, when I'm lying on the bed.... flat. As. A. Tack!" She smoothed a hand down her front.

"Embrace Clare. Paul certainly took a shining to the new improved you the other night, came home and bonked me silly" She giggled and I looked horrified "Don't worry, I think it was partially 'cause you kept him here late, feeding him sweet tea and biscuits, way past his bedtime and he felt a teeny tiny bit of the guilts but-."

"He saw my tummy today and didn't vomit"

Linda was perplexed "Who- Paul?" I shook my head in a definite NO and lifted my shirt and pinched my piece of saggy skin.

"Oh, for Christ sake" Linda lifted her own shirt showing me as much if not more saggy skin, it wasn't much- truth told. "You look like you may or may not have had a baby at some point that's all. He doesn't know you have or haven't"

"But I haven't had a baby Linda!"

"He doesn't know that and even if he did I'm sure he wouldn't be bothered" She pointed at me "I'm assigning homework...."

I stood up and walked out on the terrace Linda trailing after me trying to fix my brain from the outside.

She had some good strategies, just whether I could actually go through with them or not, was the question:

Skinny dip or if not- swim.
She said cavort, in swimmers... Now the days might be sunshine and nice but the water was still icy cold, but what the hell, I could manage a dip.

Undress in front of him, watch for tell tale signs- 'of what' I asked, she laughed and said to wait and see what popped up..... I could start by taking off my socks, I suppose. Dive into this feet first, I suppose.

Mantra- apparently George Harrison has a mantra for everything, mystical healing and celestial help- my mantra could be 'Love thyself' effective and simple.

Worth a try I guess.

Linda grinned and went home.