The Drama With My Drama Teacher

Chelsea Hotel No. 2

Chelsea Hotel No. 2

But you got away, didn't you baby

You just turned your back on the crowd

And you got away, I never once heard you say

I need you, I don't need you

I need you, I don't need you

-Leonard Cohen

When I first read the Twilight series, I was about twelve.

The hype for the vampire books was all around my school. Everyone had either already read them or was in the middle of currently reading them.

So, when I got to 'New Moon', I never understood the blank pages when Edward left Bella. They confused me. I skipped the pages effortlessly, eager to get on with the series, not hesitating on a representation of emptiness. The list of months was irrelevant.

October. November. December.

I didn't understand Bella's grief over losing Edward. Her loss. The pain and infinite. The constant ache.

The inability to do anything other than think about him.

I never understood it until Finn left, until it happened to me. All the days just seemed to blur together, a never-ending cycle of the same tedious acts. Sleeping, eating, studying, all tied together through a contrast façade of fake smiles and a bubbly attitude.

It hadn't been like that, at first. We had stayed in touch, but the calls became shorter, the length of time between text messages longer, until eventually all contact broke down completely.

I'd tried to reach out, only to be met with silence. Maybe he was busy. He had gone to London to work, after all, and I'd started seeing advertisements for his series on the television. It was to be aired within a couple of weeks.

Then again, maybe he's avoiding me.

While he was away in the Land of Oz, I was stuck in Kanas, ploughing through exams. I only finished them about two weeks ago. The only bonus of the constant pain of missing him was it gave me such an intense desire to focus on anything else.

The drama exam was the hardest.

All I could think about was how he should have been the one writing my piece with me, coaching me through it. But he wasn't. And in the end, I did it on my own, and I was incredibly proud of my performance in the end. It was screen-worthy.

But was it good enough for me to make it as an actress?

Chris thinks I should wait until I get my exam results before I move to London. Dad agrees with him. Honestly, I just think they both just want the sentencing of Mr Howard and all the other teachers to be announced publicly before they let me go.

But is London even still an option?

Finn. Even the thought of his name hurts. Our brief, imagined, childish thoughts of our life together seem so far away. The fantasy of a forever seems ridiculous.

Will London even be the same without him?

It's not like him not to want to speak to me. I know he loved me. But when you're the one left behind all there is to do is think of reasons why you're not good enough for the other person.

I've been spending a lot of time with Mark, a welcome distraction. I'm grateful we're best friends still. He's conflicted about London. He thinks I should still go, but for myself. He thinks I could make it.