Suicidal

F I V E

Colors of dark grey and black fill the world i live in. This is the worst feeling, the feeling of not being able to smile, of having zero happiness, the feeling of sorrow in your heart. The house used to be filled by laughter and cheers but now the house is dead silent, the only sound you can hear is a shatter of a heart and sobbings. the neighbors call my house 'The house of sadness' or 'The deppressing house'. Emptiness. Loneliness. I can't focus at work currently. But when its time to leave, i leave.

The car ride is silent. Sometimes you have to hold the weight of words inside.
I step inside the house. Madison looks at me in disappointment. "Why do you look tired and scared?" She asks. "Its nothing" but the truth is, its everything.
"Why aren't you spending time with us anymore? You weren't like this, are you alright?" She says "yeah i'm fine" i reply. But the truth is I'm not fine. It feels like i'm being torn apart and shattered.

I make my way upstairs and into my room. I close the door so i could cry without anybody asking me questions. But for now i'm forcing myself to keep it together. I take the tapes
And i press play.

"You're probably getting sick of listening to my depressing words come out of my mouth. You're sick of listening to the tapes right? But i expect you all to get sick and tired of it. But i never expected that my own therapist would be sick of me

I don't like where this is going

Charlotte Scattergood, my therapist.
My god. She's my therapist too.

Isn't it funny how charlotte knows about all of you. All 7 of you. Don't get me wrong, charlotte has helped me. She has all my secrets hidden with her.
I trusted her. She has been my therapist since i was sixteen. One of the only people i can actually talk to.
We are neighbors too. But she got drunk. Told her friends that were with her about me. She Introduced me as 'that kid that can't handle shit together' which is true.

My heart burns like there's some acid all over it.

But everybody in the neighborhood knew about my secrets. I don't blame her. She was drunk. Charlotte, you never apologized but i forgive you.
So the next day i wanted to call you. I was crying like a baby. My tears run like a river and i couldn't stop. Men have feeling too. Can't we cry?

I feel you.

And since charlotte and i are neighbors i can see her through my window. I called her when she was watching tv but she declined my call. But someone called her after me. The time was around 7pm. She answered that person's call. But not mine. Great, now my therapist can't stand me.

Fuck.
It was me who called.
Its all my fault its all my fault. I cant hold my watery eyes anymore so i let the warm tears run down my face as i collapse.

But i still remember that the last therapy session i had with charlotte. The last words she told me were "maybe not everybody was meant to live". She was right. I wasn't meant to live. So i recorded these tapes when i was alone, i put them in a box and before i leave the house, i wrote a letter to my wife and left the house and put that rope necklace around my neck and hanged myself.
To you all, i've done that already.
But to me, thats what I'm planning to do

Im sobbing by now. My legs cant move. My eyes are unable to stop raining. My heart can't stop hurting. My mind can't stop screaming.

I didn't kill myself.
My thoughts killed me.
Thoughts are more deadly than suicide ropes, suicide ropes give you the opportunity to kill yourself but thoughts tighten the rope around your neck until you suffocate and die.

But there are other reasons why i killed myself.
Wanna proceed?

I don't know if i can proceed any further without shattering.
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I feel like this chapter is confusing
Thank you for reading.
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-Alaa Khalafalla❤️