Suicidal

T E N

Saturday.
6:45pm.
It has been a day since I gave Spencer the tapes, I wonder what she thinks of me now. She probably thinks 'Ethan Dolan? He's a murderer but didn't kill Grayson physically. He's a monster. Not a normal person. Psychotic. A prisoner.'    The sad thing is non of that is a lie.

Driving around this sad neighborhood ; heading to Grayson's house, flashbacks of him possess me. I park and step outside the car. My legs are hesitant to step further. I knock on the door.

A precious kid opens the door with excitement. "Uncle Ethan!" She squeals. She's the only one that doesn't get fucking sick of looking at me. Does she know that I'm the main source of her fathers' pain? I feel like a predator.

Spencer walks in with a stick and sunglasses covering her eyes. "Good evening" I tell her. "I recognize your voice, Grant" Spencer replies.
Her face is blank which is weird because in Grayson's presence the smile never escapes her lips.

"Mind if you take me somewhere?" She asks. "Sure" i reply.

Car ride is silent. But an echo alerts my head yelling "you did this to her". If only the voices in my head had a stop button...

We stop at our destination  that she requested, the wind is cold and howls, the wind blows her hair and sets a smile on her face. The sky is a mixture of pink, yellow and a bit of purple. The scenery is magnificent, you can see the whole city from this height.

"Why'd you bring us here?" I ask breaking the silnence. "This place means so much to me. Grayson and I had our first kiss here" she says.
A unsolved puzzle is on my brain wondering why she's wearing sunglasses when the sun has settled.

"Spencer, why are you wearing sunglasses when daylight is gone?" I ask. She sighs a long tired sigh and I am familiar with this kind of sigh that shows how fed up you are. "I cried my eyes out after Grayson's death, I don't mean it as an expression, I actually cried till I lost my eyesight. there are no more tears left to drown me" She tells me.

"Wha- does- are you blind?" I ask.
She nods.
"I may not be able to see but I know the view is beautiful." She said smiling.

We stay silent for a minute.
"Those tapes you've given me. Those tapes . His raspy deep voice. I miss him more than I thought I would" she breaks the silence.

"So, why don't you marry another person?" I ask quietly.

She moves her head sideways to my direction. Her eyebrows furrowed. "Grant, for the first time I'm actually thankful that I'm blind so I won't have to look at your despicable face" she says and I can sense the angry tone of her voice.

I feel a warm yet rough hand is squeezing my heart.

Despicable.
I am despicable.
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