Suicidal

F O U R

Monday.
Afterwork. I feel like i lost the motivation to proceed with anything. I feel like the walls are going to squeeze me. I need air. I need oxygen. I need to breathe.
So I'm hiking. Walking across trees. These trees  remind me of Grayson hanging himself on one of them. Great. Now my mind has lost peace by being reminded of death.

I brought the tapes with me.
I keep hiking. Meditating. Breathing.
But I'm scared to listen to more tapes.
Fear inside me is like a seed, it was little but it grew. I take a deep breathe.
I press play.

Oh hey. Quick question. If anyone told  you 'describe Grayson Dolan with one word' what would you say?.

A hero.

Weird? Nerdy? Awkward? Quiet?
Quiet. Ive been told and described as quiet a lot. But silence is the loudest scream. I bet you didn't know that the quietest people have the most talkative thoughts. And once upon a time a quiet guy sat next to the lonely depressed weird quiet kid which is me. Calvin DeMartin

Calvin DeMartin? Calvin and i work together. Jesus christ he's in this too?

And some of you might have a shock wondering ''hey isn't Calvin DeMartin , Grayson's only friend?"
Oh sorry let me change the question. "Hey wasn't calvin DeMartin, Grayson's only friend" and yes. He was.

Calvin, you were bullied for being Mexican. You were also bullied by Josh Brandon too, what a coincidence!
You sat in front of me one day saying "hi, friend" . I stood there. Surprised because someone called me 'friend'. And since that day we were good friends.

Im glad.

We were great friends actually, untill...You left. Josh convinced you to join his team. I didn't want to admit it to myself. But the truth stabbed me in the heart and brought tears to my eyes. It burns. The feeling of betrayal really fuckin burns. But calvin, you still waved to me in the hallways. Wonder why i never waved back?
Because i was too broken to even look at you. You joined the bully team? Great.

What the- im- wha-

But it gets worse.
Wanna proceed?

I call Calvin because we know each other. I'm anxious.
"Hello?" Calvin answers
"Calvin! Calvin you- i- did you-" i stutter
"Ethan, take a deep breathe, then speak" said calvin

And so i inhale then exhale.

"SO YOU KNEW MY BROTHER? YOU WERE HIS ONLY FRIEND AND YOU- YO- YOU JUST LEFT HIM WHEN YOU TWO WERE GREAT FRIENDS I-"

"Are you listening to the tapes?" He asks

"YES!..YES I AM AND IM SHOCKED THAT YOU COULD DO SUCH A THING WHY THE FU-" i yell. I dont know what im saying. My mind is glitching

"LISTEN TO YOUR TAPE. WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IS WAAAY WORSE. JESUS CHRIST HE'S YOUR BROTHR I CANT BELEIVE YOU DID THAT!" Calvin says

Im silent for a minute.
My Tape? My tape is worse than his?

"M- my tape?..what did i do?" I ask curiously.

"WHEN YOU COME ACROSS YOUR TAPE YOU'LL COME TO REALIZE HOW MUCH OF A MONSTER YOU ARE TO DO WHAT YOU DID." Said calvin.

And my mind has been repeating these words nonstop.

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I dont really like this chapter its short
Tell me what you think by commenting
-Alaa❤️