Suicidal

S I X

How many more days?
How many more days am i going to wake up feeling tired and not wanting to proceed with my day or move my feet?

Im at work.
Memories of Grayson still twist around my mind  endlessly haunting me with images of his face, it gives me an emotion of sadness i cant contain and keep inside me. Cant hold it. It fills my soul with an ache.

I take a break.
Open the drawer where i keep the tapes. I grab the sixth tape.
I press play.

"Sometimes guilt can stab you. Sometimes the reason why you can't sleep is guilt.

True.

I was already guilty because my twin brother went to prison because of me and didn't forgive me, but thats a whole different story in a different tape.

My heart beats so fast that it might as well come out of my chest. I didn't know my heart works. I thought i was heartless.

But i wanted to make it up to Ethan. He asked me- infact. He demanded me to find his son, so i went to ask meredith about it. And it all started in Meredith's house. So, Meredith Mickelson, welcome to your tape

Meredith.
Snake. What did she do now? Even her name makes me want to punch a wall.

So i was outside Meredith's house. Afraid. I knocked on the door and she opened it. But. But she was wearing nothing but a towel around her. I looked away from her as much as i can.

I don't like where this is going.

I asked her about Aaron, her son. And Ethan's  son. I managed to convince her to keep him with me instead of throwing him in the adoption center. So she told me to wait  the living room and she'll bring him downstairs. I don't know why but i was very nervous.

She came downstairs.
She threw the towel revealing her wearing nothing. I closed my eyes. I looked away. I swear i didn't want to look at her or have an affair with her.

Im holding my anger and i dont know for how long ill be able to stay like this.  Im gonna explode in frustration. Im a big ball of madness.

But she was very touchy.
Very seductive.
She pushed me to the couch.
Sat on my lab. I couldn't help myself.
"Please s- s- stop. This is wrong" i told her, but she didn't stop

My blood is boiling and my veins are so green. My heart pumps so fast. I wont calm down. I cant calm down. I clench my fist and try to not explode of anger.

And ever since that day. I couldn't sleep because of guilt. I was in a relationship  with spencer and i loved spencer so much. I loved her with all my heart. And i was so guilty that I couldn't look at her in the eyes anymore. Guilt became my only feeling. My brain kept telling me i'm a cheater.

But it gets worse
Wanna proceed?

I rush out of the office, pushing everyone and rushing to Meredith's house. I bang on the door instead of knocking.

"WHY ARE YOU HERE?" She yells

"You really can't leave Grayson alone? DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?" I yell back.

"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T DEMAND HIM TO FIND AARON HE WOULDN'T HAVE CAME AND THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED" She said.
And shes right. So i stand quietly with no response

"MAYBE IF YOU FORGAVE HIM FROM THE FIRST PLACE HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN GUILTY."  She continues then shuts the door at my face.

I'm so sick of these tapes.
So i drive to a hiking hill.
Its so high, should i jump off?

Im gonna throw the tapes off the hill.
As i was about to throw it, A feel a hand holding my arm, stopping me from throwing the tapes.

I turn around to see who.
Wilson.
"Don't throw them. You're not allowed to." Wilson tells me.

"I CANT. IF I HEAR ONE MORE TAPE ILL LOOSE MY SHIT. I CANT HANDLE THIS." I yell

"What tape are you on?" He asks.

"I finished tape 6" i reply as i heavy breathe, trying to catch my breathe.

"Tape 7 is your tape. Listen to it, you have to." Said wilson.

I stood in confusion and shock.

"Your tape is the next tape, young man" wilson tells me.
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-Thanks for reading
-Alaa❤️