2010
Addison's POV:
"I heard you tell me that you love me" I tell Meredith the next night. The babies still hadn't been delivered, but I knew it wouldn't be long. A matter of hours, a day or two tops. I didn't have much time left to talk to Meredith, really talk to her before I was heading off to LA.
Meredith looked at me, surprised. She was holding me, we were in bed together after the second night in a row of amazing sex. "I didn't want you to hear me" is simply what she says, raising questions within me.
"Why not?" I question, my voice barely a whisper. I'd told Meredith I loved her years ago, before I even left for LA. That's why I left for LA. I told her I loved her, she didn't say it back, and I realized just how fucked I was. I couldn't stay and let myself get hurt again, I knew I couldn't handle it.
Yet, leaving did just as much damage.
Meredith took in a breath and pulled me closer, if possible, before putting her nose on my head and just inhaling the smell she knew was me.
The top of your head always smells exactly like you. No perfume, no weird surgery smell, just you.
"I knew you'd want something more than this. I knew you'd want a relationship. Hell, I know you deserve more than this from me. I knew it then, I know it now" her voice broke a little, but didn't waver "I thought I loved Derek for a while, I really did, and to some level I do, I'm just not in love with him. I won't ever be in love with anyone the way I love you"
"And you don't want more than this" I said softly, closing my eyes and trying not to cry.
"No no no" she says quickly "that wasn't it, that still isn't it. That will never be it"
"Then what is it?"
She sighs, finding the words to put her feelings into words "I hurt the people I care about. I've hurt Derek so much, he's a good guy he really is, and I am not good at letting people love me. I am not good at being happy. Every time I am, something awful happens, or I somehow manage to fuck it up. I don't know how to deal with my own emotions, I can't deal with somebody else's. For so long I've fucked up everything I've loved, for so long I've ruined everything important to me. I love you too much to do that. This way, you've got Sam. And he's amazing, Addie, he really is. He's kind and gentle and smart and sweet. He is everything anybody could ever want. To be honest, I don't even know why you want to keep seeing me" she sighs and kisses the top of my head "you are so perfect, so so perfect in every way, and I'm not. I mess up, I hurt people, and you deserve more than that. You deserve more than me"
My heart broke in my chest. She didn't think she deserved me, she didn't think she was good enough for me. She was so scared of not being what I wanted...it killed me.
"You must not be in love with me if you think I'm perfect" I sigh "because I am a hot mess"
"I know" she laughs, pulling away just enough to be at eye level with me "you're a mess. You're bossy, you have a god-awful temper, you tend to yell when you're stressed, you can't drive well either it always feels like I'm close to dying when you drive us anywhere, you're not very funny but it's cute that you think you are, you're a bitch in the mornings and you always, always, manage to nick the crevice behind your leg while shaving" Meredith lists off, but continues before I can cut in to protest "but all those things make me love you even more. All those things are part of who you are, every last fault you have drives me crazy. You make me feel, Addie. Everything about you makes me feel everything so much stronger and I have no idea how to possibly put into words how much I love you"
I'm quiet for a moment, really quiet. Thinking, really, close to tears and unsure what to say.
"You can't cook" I state "you're always late, even if only by a few minutes, you get all quiet and scary when you're angry which drives me up the wall when all I want to know is what you're thinking, you love the rain which makes me wonder if you're sane, as much as I wonder I really do know you're insane, and you never, ever, remember where you put your keys. But I know all this, and more, and I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about some things you do that piss me off, but I love you. You are not perfect, but that makes you perfect to me"
"I will never be able to fathom how someone as incredible as you could possibly love me" I can hear the smile in her voice "I don't know how you can love me even knowing how broken I am"
"You are broken" I agree "but I don't care. I'm not trying to fix you, I'm not trying to change you, I'm not trying to make you be someone whole and healed. I am saying that I love you as is, I'll love you if you change into someone whole and healed, I'll love you if you get worse. As long as you keep forgetting your keys, I'll love you" and god dammit, I have never meant anything more in my entire life.
"You make me feel whole again"
I started to cry, I couldn't help it. She was sitting there, saying all the right things and putting words to all the feelings I never thought could be described.
"Baby, don't cry" she sat up and pulled me into her lap, rocking me back and forth while smoothing my hair back "please don't cry"
"Why can't this just be over" I sobbed "it hurts, I can't be with you and it hurts. And I just want to be with you, you love me and I love you and I'll never love anyone like this, I know I won't" I clutched onto her and cried and cried and cried.
"Addie, Addie look at me" Meredith says, sitting me up and meeting my eyes "I have hurt you already. I can't imagine the pain you'd be in if I did something worse, something that left you all alone. I can't hurt you more than I have. We can make the hurt go away, we can stop this and go back to our lives like normal. I don't want you to hurt, Addison, and I'm doing everything in my power to avoid it, even though I'm failing miserably"
Looking into her grey eyes, I shake my head. "I meant it when I said I love you, broken or not. And if this is the only way you can let me have you, then I'll take it. No matter what"
She smiles and kisses me so, so tenderly, before looking down at my body.
"I always said it's a shame you ever have to put clothes on. How about we take advantage of this time I have to love you in every way I can, dry your tears" she smirks evilly, making me laugh.
"I'll be crying out for a whole different reason"
YOU ARE READING
Something beautiful
Fanfiction"I haven't seen her since I came back; I heard they were engaged" nobody knew that Meredith and I had been whatever we were. Nobody knew, nobody would ever know, and it was almost heartbreaking to think that the world would be void of any trace of w...
