Something beautiful

After the after (14)

2010

Addison's POV:

I was in my office alone, gathering my thoughts and figuring out how to face Sam again when the door opened gently, and closed softly.

"I knew"

I turned around to face Sam, who looked so heartbroken and so betrayed.

"I knew" he said again "that you were in love, when you first came here from Seattle, I knew. And I knew you weren't over it, but I told myself you were. I told myself you just needed to love me to be over it. I didn't know it was her until later, though"

"I'm so sorry" I whisper through the tears dripping down my face "this isn't what I wanted to happen"

"I should've known earlier" he keeps on talking like I hadn't said a word "because that first day I met her, you were asleep, and she looked at you like she'd seen you like that a million times. I figured it was from all the times you fell asleep working nights together" he explains, sitting down across from me "but when you looked at her, I knew. I didn't know it at the time, but I knew. Even if I made up all the excuses in the world, tried to hide it, explain it, ignore it. I knew you were in love with her"

"How did you find out?" I ask, still holding tears at bay.

"After you left, Meredith said she was in love with you. She's talking to Derek now, but they're not getting married anymore" Sam looked so defeated, so hurt. And I felt awful as my heart warmed at the thought of Meredith finally, fucking finally, realizing that she can be with me.

She just needed a little push.

"Why weren't you together before?" He asks me, confused "it doesn't make any sense to me, why you'd both be so in love and not be together"

I run a hand through my hair, not wanting to have this conversation but knowing I owed Sam an explanation. "We started out just sleeping together, two years ago. It went up from there, and I fell in love with her. I left when she told me she couldn't be with me in the ways I needed" it was hard for me to tell this to Sam, to anyone really, but seeing his pained expression, as if every word I spoke sliced through his skin, made it worse.

"She was the person you were so distraught over when I found you that night, in your house drunk and hurt. You were heartbroken over her, because she couldn't be with you" it was like he was trying to explain it to himself, as if nothing really made sense.

I nod "When we came back to Seattle, it just sort of happened again. It was the first time I'd seen her in years, and a few days after, she told me she was in love with me too. She was in love with me, but she didn't think we'd be good together. She thought she'd hurt me, she thought we were too broken apart to be whole together. And the last thing either of us wanted was to hurt you or Derek. So, she stayed engaged and I stayed with you" I tried to explain it the best way I could, but he wouldn't understand. I knew he wouldn't, because I barely understood and I was there the entire time.

"Why keep the relationship going then?" He questions, seemingly growing more and more angry "why stay with her, when you didn't think you'd be good together? When it was just going to hurt everyone involved?"

I smile sadly "I am in love with her, Sam. I love her. I loved her this entire time, and I'll love her my entire life. I can't keep myself away from that, I can't walk away from her even though it would've been the best thing for me to do two years ago. I can't stay away from her, I can't leave her. She's a part of me, and when I came to LA after leaving her, I was missing that part of me. And that part of me was crucial; I wasn't me without it, you saw how miserable I was" I was trying desperately to make Sam see that I didn't ask for this, I didn't want this, I didn't mean to love her.

"Did you ever love me?"

My heart broke in my chest.

"I loved you; just not in the right ways"

Meredith's POV:

"Let Sam go talk to her; this is between them right now, and we need to talk ourselves" Derek tells me, as Sam goes to talk to Addison.

"Derek, I'm so sorry" I apologize for what feels like the millionth time.

"Depends on what you're sorry for. Are you sorry for loving her, or are you sorry that you were going to marry me?" His question is full of fire and anger; while Sam was devastated, Derek was angry. With good reason.

"I can't apologize for loving her" I tell him "I can't apologize for falling in love with her, for being with her. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me" she was my world; without her, there was nothing.

"Why the hell couldn't you have just told me?" Derek demanded, voice raising higher. "Why couldn't you have just left me when you fell for her, we could've avoided all of this!"

"It isn't that simple" I keep my voice calm and cool; I didn't want to get worked up. It would be mentally exhausting to have a shouting match at this point. "I wanted to stay with you because I did love you, in some ways. I tried being apart from her, she left me two years ago. I tried to love you and stay with you and be the wife you deserved"

"The wife I deserve is not in love with another woman" Derek accuses "you played me; you said you loved me, you slept beside me for three years. You made me coffee, kissed me before work, called me to check up while I was at work late. You did everything right, everything. How is it that you didn't love me but you managed to act like it?" He demands an answer, and I'm not sure what to say to him. I have no words.

"You didn't have that with her" Derek continues "how could you possibly be in love with her, when what we had was so perfect? So whole, complete, so amazing?" He's unsure himself; I can tell he feels betrayed, and he has every right to feel that way.

"That wasn't real love, Derek" I say, shaking my head "that was too perfect; real love doesn't feel that way. Real love has fighting, it has yelling and screaming, it has heartbreak and loss. I fought with her because I cared, and she fought back because she loves me. Love isn't expecting someone to be perfect, it's knowing everything about them, everything bad, and choosing to stay anyway. Choosing to love them despite their faults"

"We had that!" Derek argues, standing up. I stand up, and face him too.

"No Derek, we didn't" I still am not yelling, though I do stand up to face him "you only loved me when I wasn't broken; Addie loved me either way"

"Some love, if you think that love is screaming and yelling and hurting and loss, I don't know what you've been doing for two years but it sure as hell wasn't loving anyone" Derek spat, angrily "love isn't supposed to be like that"

"But it is" I try to convince him "for every yell, there was a kiss, for every screaming match there was a hug, for every heartbreak there was healing and for every loss there was gain. She doesn't make me feel broken, even if we spend all day screaming at each other loud enough for anyone walking by to hear, she makes me feel alive. She doesn't make me feel like I'm hard to love or that I'm impossible to love unless I'm whole and healed and happy. She makes me feel" I take in a deep breath, suddenly aware that I'm crying "she makes me feel like I'm whole, even when I'm the farthest thing away from it"

Derek looks at me for a long time, as if contemplating what to say next. He looks sad now, rather than angry, and it hurts me to know I had to do this. He deserves a wife who loves him.

"I'm in love with you" he finally says, defeat evident in his tone.

"No" I shake my head "you're not; you think you are. But you can't love someone who was never really there" physically, I was there. But emotionally I was never ever fully there, and as unfair as that was to him, it's the truth. And I tried to take some comfort in knowing that it would be harder for him to miss me that way.

I hear the door to Addison's office click open, and Derek and I head out to the hallway. I rush over to Addie, who's face is stained with tears.

"You told" she sniffed, looking up at me with a watery smile "you told them you love me"

"Addie, I'd tell the whole world if I could"