Something beautiful

Before (12)

2008

Addison's POV:

It hurt; every part of me hurt. My chest ached, my head pounded, and I felt like I could die at any given moment. My heart was absolutely shattered, and took out the rest of me in the process.

I was so in love; and it wasn't a good feeling. It wasn't something I wanted to remember, or something I wanted to keep. I wanted it to go away; more than anything I just wanted it to stop. I drank more than I should've; I spent more time on the floor passed out than I did upright and walking. The sleeping pills prescribed by my doctor didn't seem to be working; the only way I ever got sleep was by passing out.

Moving to LA to get away from Meredith was supposed to help me; it was supposed to cure me, make all my problems go away. But instead, I felt incomplete; I felt as if I left half of me behind in Seattle, and I'd never get that whole feeling back again.

I didn't know what to do; I couldn't go back, seeing her again would just make it hurt all over again. But I couldn't keep hurting like this; I couldn't keep drinking to forget, binging on vodka and cheap cigarettes and popping sleeping pills with the vain hopes of sleeping peacefully.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her.

"Goddammit" I screamed into nothingness; I was alone, I always had been, really. I was so alone, and so miserable, and all I wanted was her.

She wasn't mine though; she never was. I was always hers, every ounce of me belonged to her and I felt like it always would. And it made me angry.

"Fuck" I screamed, as the tears dripped down my face. Feeling nothing but anger and the buzz of alcohol in my blood, I leaned back and I punched the wall.

The pain wasn't relevant; I never felt it, not the way I felt the pain of losing Meredith. My hand didn't hurt me in the slightest compared to that; but as I cradled my bloodied and bruised knuckles, I knew I was fucked.

"Addie?" I heard the front door open and shut from my spot on the floor, leaning against the wall. I didn't bother answering; what was the point?

"Oh Addie" it was Sam. He only lived next door, so I suppose he decided to visit. With a sigh, he went to the kitchen and returned with some gauze, ice, and a cloth.

"What happened?" He asks, gently taking my hand and wiping the blood away with a cloth. Sam was always a good person; I almost felt like I couldn't be around him in my state. Everything I was doing was wrong, but Sam was always right.

"Punched the wall" I murmur, sniffing pathetically. My eyes were swollen from crying and I felt like my nose would shrivel up from all the snot crying created. Ever since I left, all I seemed to do was cry and drink.

"I know that" he smiles fondly, as if seeing me this broken and defeated hasn't changed the way he looks at me "I'm asking why; this isn't you, and I want to know what happened to my Addie" he moves on to wrapping my hand in gauze, delicately as to not hurt me anymore.

"I went to Seattle and I got my heartbroken" I state bluntly "I am in love with someone who was never really mine to fall in love with, and now I don't know who I am. I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to function without loving this person, because loving them is the only thing I feel and I can't feel it without feeling angry and sad"

Softly, he finished fixing me up and placed the ice over my battered hand. "You just need to find yourself again; figure out what makes you feel strongly, figure out what makes you feel alive. But without anyone else; you've got to figure out how to feel alive by yourself, before trying to feel strongly with anyone else. It's easy to lose your way; not so easy to find it"

Sam's words made sense; I felt so strongly with Meredith, and I somehow managed to forget how to feel that way without anyone else. I was on top of the world with her, but now it was time to come down and be content alone, even if I was at the bottom.

"I mean, look at me and Naomi. We were married for years, and we lost ourselves. Now we're separated to try and find out who we are without each other. That's what you need to do, figure out who you are away from this person before you can go back to them" he explained calmly.

I didn't think there would be any going back to Meredith; but what shocked me most was that he didn't assume the person I was talking about was Derek.

"You don't think it's Derek?" I smile small, and wipe my eyes.

He shakes his head "I saw you married to him for twelve years; not once did you ever look like this. Not once did he ever make you love this strongly. Whoever you fell in love with back in Seattle, it wasn't Derek. It was someone else entirely" Sam reached over and tucked my hair behind my ears and out of my face.

"You think I'll be okay?" I ask him, feeling better after talking with him.

He nods "of course; you'll bounce back, you love someone again, and that someone will love you back. And it'll all work itself out"

I lean in and hug him, sighing into the warmth of his chest. He holds me like that for a while, and it was the most content I'd felt in a long time.

It felt so impossible to stop loving her; I didn't think I ever could. But sitting there with Sam holding me, it felt the tiniest bit more possible.

Meredith's POV:

She left.

She told me she loved me, and god did I love her too, and then she left. She didn't tell me, didn't call me, didn't send an email or a letter. I heard the morning after she'd already boarded a plane to LA, from Derek of all people.

She was gone, and she took half of me with her.

After that, i felt hollow. It were as if I was just going through the day to day motions, and not really caring about any of it. All I cared about was missing her, all I thought about was how much I regretted not doing things right with her.

Six months went by without her, and I felt like I was dead inside. I never loved another person like I loved her, and I knew I never would. My entire life was being lived, and I couldn't have cared less.

I should've tried to make it work with her; I should've left Derek, and told her just how I felt. Regardless of anything, of anyone, she should've came first.

I knew I'd never forgive myself for letting her get away.

My life was empty and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. She was getting better, she was making a life and falling in love and being happy. I couldn't go and make her choose between her happiness, and me. I only ever seemed to make her sad, when all I wanted to do was see her smile.

So, if her leaving meant she'd smile, then I'd make my peace with it. If her getting a new job and new friends meant she'd smile again, I'd be okay with that. But the idea of someone loving her, and her loving them back, the idea of that made me sick to my stomach.

Nobody would love her like I do; in every possible way, I loved her more and more every single day. And even though she was easy to love, she was impossible not to love, I knew nobody could love her the way I did.

At least, I hoped to God not.