Broken

Tainted

Depression is where it all begins, the lack of being social, the thoughts of suicide. I'm in the middle of both, I can't really diagnose myself but I let others to determine who I am and let them choose for me. I've been neglected and abused, in all forms, it's not a nice thing to say, the words leave a bad taste in my mouth, but I don't really care, I don't tell anybody, no one really finds out. These are all words, I seem to never find the meaning behind every word I'm saying right now, I just keep going, it's like I'm speaking my own mind, but there are dark thoughts at the back that I can't bring out because it's something that's never going to come out and I don't know why. I sound so bitter every time I talk about myself, I seem to never be able to make up my own mind, it's a mess in there. It doesn't make sense but I've got no choice but to except the consequence, that's the only decision I can make, and the only other decision I made was that my name should be Aria T. Hensen.

"The high school shooting in Phoenix, Arizona was by a Sixteen year old girl named Aria T. Henson, and she has been charged for the murder of three high school teachers and the thirteen injured students."

SWAT teams tackled me down, pointed guns at me; I put down all my weapons, I then forgot. everything. The words they're telling me don't make sense, they ask me why I did it,

what did I do?

I told them I don't know.

What did I do that was so wrong?

They tell me I shot and killed three teachers at my high school and shot thirteen other students, and I tell them why would I do that, my voice breaks as I'm on the verge of tears, I never cry, and I wont, my body wont let me, it hurts. They scream and shout, god, I smell of fear, anguish, and guilt,

Why?

I don't know, I don't fucking remember. their lips move, but I cant hear them, I'm shouting now, I'm telling them I've gone deaf, I cant fucking hear a thing, I feel a slight pinch on my right arm, they sedated me! They fucking sedated me!

I've killed 3 people.

Who were they?

I don't know, I hear them talking about school, they say it was a mess, I really don't know what they're talking about. The last thing I remember was snorting some coke, not really, more like a lot. The funny thing is, I'm sixteen,

How does a sixteen year old get her hands on cocaine?

Her parents.

I don't remember the last time they came home, or if they ever did. I lived on borrowed money/stolen. I've been stealing shit from stores, mostly necessities. I've been doing the wrong thing but thinking it's right. Like how they're telling me I killed 3 teachers at a public high school. A high school that I supposedly go to, I don't know, I don't remember anything, every word they tell me is going in one ear and out the other hahaha never thought I'd use that sentence in my life, I hear it all the time.

What's wrong with me?

I think I'm permanently damaged. I just went through court, I was tried as an adult I was sentenced to 40 years in a state prison, Camera's flash, reporters rush to get a word out of me, I don't remember a word they've been saying the whole time. They've told me it's been months since I killed them, it went by so fast, it felt like days. The women in one of the jail cells kept asking me why I did it, not like I ask myself the same question everyday only the brave ones dared to ask, the rest are terrified of me. I don't remember what I did and why I did it, I don't remember how I did it. I havent spoken a single word ever since I got here, the women, they hate me, they beat me senseless, trying to get a word out of me, but all I do is moan and groan as they kick me. I wake with gunshots ringing in my ears, I guess I'm not deaf. It's been exactly 3 years, it felt like months, I don't remember shit! And I feel like shit, I feel like cutting, wait I don't remember that I use to cut? I'm looking at my arms and they're they are, there's a very recent one, it's fresh, it looked like I did this hours ago, but with what? I don't know? My fingernails?

Its 10:00pm, I'm at home staring out the window of the apartment, the manager screams for his money, I pretend he's not there, and he eventually goes away. I haven't seen them in 3 months now, all I remember of them was that they left in the middle of the night, all their shit packed in one tiny ass suitcase. I didn't cry then, I could take care of myself, like I've always been for the past 11 years of my life. They're not my real parents, I never had parents, hell I'm not even suppose to exist, but I'm in the care of two psychotic adults who abuse me in all forms. I've been neglected and broken, I'll eventually crack. I think this as I snort the coke, I'm still sitting staring out the window of the apartment. my alarm rings, I grab some guns from the safe that I finally cracked open, he was a dumb shit leaving all these guns, he knew I'd eventually open it and kill myself, he didn't care, just like I expected. I'm in the school and they have no fucking clue, bang! Bang! They're all down, as I went from class to class looking, they pleaded for their lives, oh how pathetic they were, bang, dead. All I remember now was red white and blue, the swat, and the screams of anguish fill my now deaf ears.

I'm in court, again, they're taking about leaving me in the custody of some famous psychologists, plural, two of them, one male and one female, they live in the state of California, they're world renowned psychologists. this is a private hearing. They've adopted me? I just heard the word "adopt" and I'm absolutely shocked so I gasp, they all look at me, surprised themselves because no one has heard a word or seen a different facial expression in years from me. they're scared, they're willing to leave me in the hands of those two. the court has been adjourned, I guess no one wants to know that the murderer of 3 teachers and injuring 13 students, is being released. I suddenly get a flash of many doctors who've visited me in the past three years, none who have given a diagnose of my condition, they seem to always ask the same question, why I did it. My mind is broken, that's all they tell me, they say its a serious memory problem but at really rare times, I get my memory back, only in pieces. The memories, they're so horrifying that I forget them again. The doctors don't help at all, they never ask the right questions, they're all the same.