Broken

Chapter 8

for eight years i've been completly and utterly depressed. four years of hurting myself in those eight years, i've realized how much i miss it, the emotions inside me are begging to be realesed, they want me to cry, laugh, smile, just something other then sadness and pain. I miss the pain, it was a sense of release for me, yet i hate hurting myself because i know one day, i wont be feeling the pain, or any emotion, because one day i'd die, and ill be free. in this world, in this country, nothings free. no one freely expresses themselves, no one freely opens up to someone, no one freely dies, without being afraid. No one is free, but everyone is afraid.

I dress up, to go outside, somewhere, anywhere. It's 11:00 am, I go down and find Sunny and James at the breakfast table.

"Sunny, I want to go to the beach"

Sunny just looks at me, up and down, I'm waiting impatiently for his response,

"Ask Nathaniel to take you"

I turn and head for Nathaniel's room, he usually doesn't get up this early.

I knock on his door, no answer, I open he door, he's sleeping. His eyes are closed and his face is so relaxed and calm, I'd say he's beautiful when he's sleeping.

"Nathaniel?"

He stirs a bit,

"Nathaniel, wake up"

I get a bit closer, and the floors creak under my weight,

He sighs,

"Yes?"

"Can you drive me to the beach?"

His eyes open finally,

"Oh, it's you"

He looks away, I died right there and then.

I walk out of his room

"Aria, I'll take you to the beach in a minute!"

I wait in the car, anxious, and nervous because Nathaniel and I will be alone, on a beach.

Nathaniel comes out in a long sleeved shirt and black jeans. He walks over to the drivers side and opens the door,

"Will go to the closet beach here, it's not too far, but it'll feel like a long drive"

I nod my head, I just want to go and get outside.

He was right, it felt like such a long drive, the traffic was so long.

When we finally get to the beach, it wasn't busy, but it was beautiful, the wind was cold but the air felt good. The smell of the ocean is amazing. I've never seen something so amazing in my life, the colours and the waves crashing against the dock and the rocks.

We walk on the pier, and head towards the dock, we're walking side by side, he gets a bit closer, then his hand skims mine. I didn't pull away, he then puts his hand I'm mine, and we keep walking, not saying a word and not looking at each other. We stop, the sock ended, he let's go of my hand.

"I've never seen an ocean before"

I smile.

That's when everything goes down.

He stops

He watches me, he looks at my mouth, my eyes, my bright flushed cheeks. He steps closer

His eyes, they sparkled, his cheeks, flushed, and his mouth,

"I love your smile"

His face, bright red, his own smile is on his face, and I swear my heart stopped, I didn't want my heart to stop, not when the most gorgeous boy I've ever met is standing right in front of me, I didn't want to die at that moment, the only way I'd leave this world is with him, and that's when I realized, he'd do anything for me, when he told me he fell for me, I fell for him too.

He steps closer, he caresses my cheeks,

"I want to kiss you Aria, but do you?"

"No"

It's not right, I can't. He drops his hands,

"Alright"

I look back to the ocean, the wind picks up at bit, I hear a familiar voice,

"I'm scared"

"Of who?"

Says the another person with her

"Of Aria"

Sarah

I spot her, walking away, I don't catch any more of their conversation, but I follow them to the bar that's inside, away from the wind.

They sat in the stools and ask for some cherry colas, I sit close enough to hear the rest of the conversation.

"Aria, what are you doing?"

I don't look at him, but he orders something when the waitress comes by.

"Aria was my best friend, how come I never knew what was going on? She didn't mean to kill those teachers, or put her own boyfriend in the grave, I wish I would've known what what going on, I can't believe I didn't know, all the signs were there, I wish I could just say sorry, I miss her"

I realized I've been lying to my friends, saying everything's fine when clearly it wasn't, I've been pushing them away, because it would be easier on them when I did kill myself.

Sarah excused herself to the bathroom, I told Nathaniel I'd be back. I went in after her. I looked in the mirror at my reflection, she isn't going to recognize me, I look so different, not as pale or skinny, my blonde hair is healthy, I'm so different. This isn't me.

Sarah comes out of the stall, she notices me and smiles, she goes to wash her hands. I have a very distinct tattoo no one knows about, it's a tattoo behind my left ear. It's of three little, very detailed birds, took 2 days to get it done, only Sarah knows about it. I pull my hair back and the tattoo is on the mirror, Sarah's looking at the mirror, I watch her face.

"Aria?"

She quickly turns to me, I look down, she's been all but nice to me till that one day, I can't remember it though, it's all a blur.

"I can't believe you're here, I can't believe you're alive!"

She smiles, she's not scared she's happy, joyful, and excited

"How are you out of jail?"

"I-I have-i'm adopted"

"Oh, but aren't you like 19 now?"

"I never had a real birth certificate, but they found my real one, I'm 17 turning 18 in 10 months"

"Aria, I missed you, and I'm sorry you went through this, do you know about Shaun?"

"I found out weeks ago"

"Oh, well I'm here visiting my grandparents, if you ever want to see me or talk or anything I'm here for you, I'll be there for you no matter what, here's the address"

She quickly jotted her address and phone number on a piece of scrap paper that was in her pocket and handed it to me.

I look at it for a brief second and look back at her,

"Thanks"

She smiles and leaves

I take a deep breathe and head out myself, Sarah's gone, and I wondered if I imagined everything, but the piece of paper with her address in my pocket says otherwise.