Broken

Chapter 6

(This is photo is of Sarah, she'll be in some parts, read this chapter to find out who she is)

Nathaniel wanted my help, how do I help him if I can't even help myself.

"I'm sorry but I can't help you" I watch as I see his brows come together in frustration, and watch his jaw tighten.

"All right" he said, in a strained voice

He leaves, fist clenched and back hunched over.

What did he need my help for? I couldn't help him, I'm useless.

I lay in bed that night, depressed, over thinking, and trying so hard to shut the voices in my head, I think everyone one would be happier if I just killed myself.
I don't know how many times suicide crossed my mind, it was usually the worst of days where id get so close to doing it.

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"You stupid bitch" Sarah slapped me and started beating the shit out of me I groaned at the pain in my jaw, it started to swell up.

"I fucking hate you, no one fucking likes you, kill yourself already!"

If I could die right now I would, Sarah's got the best of me, she's right. I limp out before she could do any worse

"That's right bitch, I can't wait to see your dead body!" She screamed as I turned my back to her

I've done nothing to her, she use to be my best friend, she use to be like a sister to me, my only family, and it's gone. I pushed people away so when I do kill myself it wouldn't hurt them, I'm glad I don't have friends, it's going to be less painful that way.

I grab my keys out of my pocket and open the door to the apartment. No ones home, I start looking through the kitchen cupboards for the bleach, I start sipping it, it's so bitter. The corners of my eyes start getting darker as I black out, and bang my head on the kitchen floor, the last thing I feel was the sharp pain and the warm pool of blood by my head.

I woke up in the hospital, I was flushed out and had stitches on my arms. I cried, for the first time in years, I failed, the only thing I wanted to do and I fail, my life's a failure, I'm useless and hopeless, there's no more hope anymore, I cry and yell, "I'm fucking done, I'm just done"

I rush out of the hospital, I try to remember how I ended up there in the first place, but it's all foggy. I run out before they find out who I am, I hide my face so the cameras don't catch me. I head home for another day in my shitty life.

I wish my mind was put back together again, I wish these thoughts weren't mine, I wish I had happy thoughts. I wish I could get better but I really wish I was dead and gone.

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One week goes by so fast, I'm mostly in bed, I'd rather be asleep then deal with my problems. Sleep is like a place to get away, where reality can't touch us, or get ahold of our fragile minds. One thought about how big the world really is or how small, drives us over the edge, breaks us apart till we're in pieces and can't be put back together again. We don't want to hear the sweet nothing's people say about life and how wonderful it is to see the world and how they want us to he a part of it, things just haven't got better, and I'm not being a part of the world when the world doesn't want me to be with them.

Nathaniel doesn't talk to me, he's so upset, I can see it. The way his lips don't curve up and don't give any hint of happiness, the way his eyes don't shine when someone says something that makes him laugh. He knows what it's like, the painful realization that he'll never get better. He ignores the world, he's becoming me, and I don't want that for him.

My first session is with Derek today, he's calm and he doesn't have any notepaper or pen, so he's just going to remember all the things I say. Derek just looks at me with a genuine pain, he pities me.

"Aria, what's the first think on your mind the minute you wake up"

"Me"

"What about you"

"My shit life"

"What's so shitty about it"

"Can't you see it? The way I walk around this house? The way I barely eat? The way I don't show any emotion at all? I'm being eaten inside out, and hurting myself on the outside trying to kill the thing inside"

"How many times have you tried to kill yourself Aria? Or how many times do you remember you tried to kill yourself?"

"I just remember one"

"You've tried to kill yourself 12 times the past 3 years that you weren't in jail, Aria. You've done it all, but there's something that stops you from going through with it, and we'll find out what it is"

The cold realization hit me, I'm sick, I'm twisted, I've tried to kill myself 12 times and failed? I never hated myself so much as I did now.

"Don't think, just feel, Aria"

Easier said then done. I feel the cold, I feel the hairs in my neck stand, I feel Derek's stare on me. But I don't feel the pain inside because I refuse to feel the emotions bubbling inside, the emotions that would kill me, and I won't fail this time.

"I won't fail next time Mr.Sanders, this time it's so much different"