Broken

Chapter 16

They found me, I'm betting I wasn't hard to find. I left a trail sadness, despair, and rage in my wake, they obviously know it's me.

I have my hood-up and smoking a cigarette,

I've smoked since I was thirteen or whatever age I was before the surprise new found "real" birth certificate,

I always liked cigarettes, I believed one day they'd kill me, but slow and painfully and I smoke for that reason, to slowly die.

I tried losing them, but Sunny and James are pretty fast, funny thing was I haven't seen James in weeks,

I'm trapped in an alley, they're standing there watching me,

I lit another cig after I was done the other,

"You want one?" As I puffed out a cloud of smoke,

"No" says James, I haven't heard him in a while either,

"Aria, not the best time, we've been worried, we're not allowed to let you out unsupervised, it's against the policy-"

"Save it, I've heard it before"

How could I not forget the fact that I'm still in jail? I'm only put with those two doctors because prison couldn't handle me, I was too troubled, I wasn't stable. With the amount of times I tried to kill myself, they thought I'd turn to others and kill them instead, so I was to be experimented on, find out what's wrong, and see if I need to be put down, or go back to jail.

"Aria, we need to leave" says James,

"Fuck you James"

"Please, we don't want to use force" Sunny shouts,

"I want to finish my pack of cigs"

James throws an angry glare at me, he reaches something around his waist, it's a gun, wait no, a taser,

"Smoke it later. back at the house"

James pulls out the Taser fully, and shoots, I feel the electric burn through my whole body, lucky it wasn't bad, at least I felt something.

I wake up in a car, James is driving, and all I hear is silence,

I close my eyes till I hear a voice,

"Using the Taser against her wasn't necessary, James"

"Well she wouldn't of come anyway, you know she can't feel a thing right?"

"I know, Derek told us, he said it's something to do with her nerves, they're shot"

James nodded,

"but sometimes i don't believe it, did you see the way she acted when i tased her? she felt that all right"

Sunny wasn't looking at him anymore, he looked out the window.

"maybe it's emotional pain she cant feel, not physical"

James grunted in agreement,

I fall back asleep to the sounds of fast moving traffic.

*************************************

I see myself running after a black and white cat.

The vision is a little blurry around the edges but i can make out a big Victorian home and a big back-yard, with a sycamore tree and a back porch.

she's laughing and she looks so happy, I can't remember the last time I was that happy,

"C'mere kitty!!!!"

The cat runs into the bushes, and meows,

"KITTY! I just want to invite you to tea!!!"

I hear laughing coming from the house,

"Aria, I think the cat doesn't want to come" a familiar deep voice says,

Why is Derek in this memory, and then it hits me, that time when I fell on my head, he was in that memory of me strapped to a metal table!

"But Daddy! Kitty loves me! She has to love me! Because I'm marrying Mr.Kitty!"

"Baby, it's Ms.Kitty" I hear him laugh

"We'll still get married!"

He's closer to me now, and he kneels down to my height,

"Don't you want to marry a boy? One who will love you?" He smiles, the corner of his eyes wrinkle and his eyes glisten with happiness,

I'm brought to tears at the sight, I can't control the amount of tears flowing down my cheeks, I don't sob, I don't make a sound,

My little self smiles,

"I do want a boy who loves me"

They both smile and walk hand in hand to the back porch of the house,

I blink back away more tears,

I turn around, my surroundings change and I see my older self,

I'm sitting on my small twin bed, my parents fighting, I can see the blank emotionless look on myself. Oh god, is that really me?

I'm struggling to keep my emotions in check, I'm so overwhelmed by them.

I never fought back at home, I never fought back with my father or that horrible mother of mine, how did end up with such horrible parents?

I turn to see another memory, in another different setting,

I see my little self again, I look a bit older then in the first memory, I'm in front of my social worker, Shelly.

"Aria, since both your parents are gone, we've found your only other closet relatives on your mom's side, this is Greg Hensen and Dorine Hensen, they'll be taking care of you till your old enough to go off on your own, okay?" She says in the most cheeriest voice possible,

Greg is on the fat side with a receding hairline and looks like he hasnt shaved for a couple days, while Dorine is thinner and looks like she hasnt gotten sleep for weeks, she gives me a glare, I turn away,

What changed? why am I like this? Derek knows, my father knows, he was there, he was there the minute things went bad, he changed me, for the worst.

I watch myself walk away, still the emotionless self I am, I don't remember anything of that day, I don't remember anything of my past.

I take a deep breathe and turn myself away from the girl I don't remember ever being,

I watch myself kissing Shaun, oh god, I miss him, I don't remember the last time I saw him, it's all so blurry,

I watch as Shaun kiss me back, we were at his house, things started to get a little heated, clothes come off, and things happen,

I can tell I'm faking it, I only thought I'd actually feel that feel a physical connection with him, but I didn't, I don't remember that day, but I'm pretty sure it was the first time me and Shaun we're together,

"I love you, Aria"

I can see myself hesitate, when he said that,

"I-I love you too, Shaun" I say, a little breathless.

I've faked everything, I faked my love for Shaun, I've faked everything we had together, and now he's gone, and I won't get another chance to say good-bye or to say I'm sorry.

Everything darkens, and I'm brought back to reality, a reality I wish were a dream.