Bittersweet (Wolfstar)

Ten

S I R I U S

The walls are spinning, hard and fast like a merry-go-round. Sirius can't seem to stand properly, let alone run through the halls of a hospital. He runs into nurses and patients, pushing them away as he runs on, trying to find a way out. A way to fresh air. He doesn't want to find the kids anymore. He just needs to breathe. He sees a fire exit painted bright red, swaying back and forth in front of his blurry eyes. He pushes it open, a blaring alarm going off inside, but he is out. He can see the barely lit sky. He can smell the freshly cut grass. He can feel the cold sidewalk on his bare feet. He can hear the crickets chirping, playing a song of freedom for his mind as he sits on the concrete and lets his breathing go back to normal.

He hears the door behind him open slowly and a scooting of wheels. A wheelchair stops next to him, but he doesn't look. He knows who it is. "Hi, Moony." He whispers his voice catching in his throat.

"It feels like the world should have stopped, doesn't it? Like there shouldn't be bees just floating on, pollinating flowers. Like the wind shouldn't be blowing, the sky should be black, and the whole world should be silent." Remus says, looking up at the sky, the same as Sirius, and sighing. "I know how it feels. You know how it feels. It sucks."

"Yeah, it does. The stars don't shine as bright as they did before James and Lily...died. The birds don't sound as beautiful as they did. The wind doesn't feel as good. They were my family. I thought they were all I had left, but Reg...He was my best friend before James was. He was my only escape in an abusive household. We would have sleepovers in his room and I would sneak out early in the morning to go back to mine so we didn't get caught. Sometimes Walburga or Orion would catch me. They would scream and curse at me, saying I had no right to be in his room. That sleeping with a boy is a sin. They would always hit me when they found out, but I would have rather it be me than Regulus." He pauses, running a hand through his hair and finally looking up at Remus. "James and Lily may have been my family, but so was he, and I left him with them. I didn't speak to him for five years because I thought he wouldn't want to see me, or he would turn out just like them. But...but in that ambulance, he looked me straight in the eye and held out a hand for me. He knew I was there for him. He wanted me to be. I told him I was sorry, he told me he was better. He left as soon as he graduated in the fall. He got a job, a girlfriend who he loved into her family home with. He said he loved me, and I said I loved him, too. Those were his last words. Maybe ever." He whispers the last part, choking back more tears, and reaching for Remus' hand. He takes it and squeezes.

"I'm sorry for holding you like I did. That's what caused this. If those boys just saw me riding on the back of your motorcycle, a good distance from you, they wouldn't have said anything. It's my fault, and I know that. I'm sorry about your brother, too. Truly. Deeply." He gives Sirius a sad smile and when Sirius opens his mouth to speak up, he shakes his head. "No, don't contradict me. This isn't about me, I just wanted to let you know I had a blame in this. I wanted to apologize for it. Can you just come back inside?"

"No. I-I can't go back in there. Ever. That's where he died. That's where his b-body is. I want to go home." He murmurs, his hand shaking in Remus' grasp. Remus nods, squeezing again and pulling it up to his lips to kiss his knuckles gently. Sirius looks up and bites his lip.

"Remus, I kind of went crazy when I thought you had died on that road. I acted the same way as when I found James and Lily. I've been thinking about that a lot, and I don't know why I reacted that way. Sure, we're close friends and see each other basically everyday, but I knew James and Lily for ten years and it felt the same." He says, looking away from Remus and out at the grass and trees surrounding the hospital parking lot. He doesn't want to admit to himself or Remus the reason he made a fool of himself for his mate. He can't.

"Probably for the same reason I was holding you so tightly on the bike." Remus replies, his voice lower than Sirius'. Sirius takes a deep breath, thinking of any other response than what he imagines it is going to be.

"Why is that?" He asks, his voice cracking, and he looks up at Remus. He can see the anticipation and fright in his eyes as he grinds his teeth roughly. They both know what the other is thinking, but neither wants to say it aloud. Sirius thinks back to when he ran away, the look of rage on his father's face as he escaped. That is the look he would have if he heard Sirius' thoughts, and that is all he can picture. Outrage and disappointment from his father. "Don't say it, Remus." Sirius says quickly, his chin quivering. He looks into his eyes, the green pulling him into a forest of evergreens and wildflowers and deer, and he no longer feels the need for Remus to say the words. He knows them, Sirius knows them, and they both don't want to speak up first. So Sirius doesn't speak, he launches himself up from the ground and grabs Remus' face in both of his hands, pressing their lips together with such passion he can feel his heart bursting with it.

Remus doesn't kiss back. He pushes Sirius away and puts a hand to his mouth. "You just told me I shouldn't date. That I'm not ready. You said that, and now you're going to kiss me?"

"I thought...I thought we were thinking the same thing. That you were holding me and I was a wreck in the accident because...we like each other." Sirius murmurs, his eyebrows casting a shadow over his eyes.

"N-no. I was going to say that you're my...my best friend. That you are like a brother to me already. Why would I like you? You're a boy. I'm not gay. I'm not."

"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself more than me." Sirius growls, storming away from Remus and running from the hospital with bare feet and tears in his eyes.