Bittersweet (Wolfstar)

Eleven

R E M U S

If it wasn't enough to lose a best friend, he also lost his voice again. He hasn't spoken a word since Sirius ran from the hospital a week before.

Remus didn't want to go home. The past few months he has been with Sirius nearly every day and night. Now, he has to stay at home, alone, with no one to get him out of the depression he is no doubt going to slip back into.

He isn't sure he even wants to see Sirius now. Not after their talk. Remus was going to say he loved Sirius, but he couldn't bare to speak the words and when Sirius kissed him, he only thought of Nymphadora. How he was betraying her by kissing someone else. By kissing her cousin, nonetheless. He can't face Sirius again, not after denying the only thing that he knows is fact.

He lies in bed, moping and sleeping and thinking. All day, everyday. Nothing can seem to get him out of the funk. Hours, days, weeks go by and he hardly moves from the dip in his bed he has made.

He has time now to lie and think of Sirius. How he should have kissed him back. How he should have said the words 'I love you' before he could overthink it. How he should have called for Sirius to stop and turn around so he could explain himself truthfully. Every 'should have' there possibly is. The mindless wondering is crushing him. His heart, his brain, his lungs. He feels as if there is an elephant sitting on him. He hasn't felt this way since his mom died. Even when Nymphadora died, he knew it was coming, like you always do with cancer, and he mourned her before she passed so he could focus on loving her as best as possible. It's like he is having a constant anxiety attack and none of his coping skills are working.

After almost a month of his relentless moping, his Dad finally seems to have had enough. He knocks timidly on his sons bedroom door, opening it up to see Remus curled in on himself and sleeping. "RJ? Can we talk?" He says, loud enough to wake Remus, who pulls the duvet over his head in response. "This isn't a choice. Sit up." Lyall says, his teeth clenched tight. Remus doesn't budge. "I'm not joking, Rem. Look at me. You've been stuck up here for a month. I know it must have been traumatizing, but that can't be why you're shutting me out again. Tell me what really happened, and why Sirius doesn't come around anymore. He was good for you, and it looked like you were good for him, too. What changed?" Remus pulls the duvet back and turns to face his dad with sleepless eyes and frown lines etched on his skin.

"I'm gay, okay? Or bisexual, or whatever else you can call it. I like Sirius. I love him, even, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that your son likes boys. I'm sorry that your son wants to die. I'm sorry that I'm your son. I'm sorry that Sirius was my only friend and when he tried to tell me he loved me, too, I got scared and rejected him because I'm ashamed of who I am. I'm sorry that everything in my life has been pointless until I met Sirius and now I fucked that up, too. Is that what you wanted to hear, Dad?" Remus screams, his face red and contorted with rage and sadness. Lyall sits on Remus' bed and gives his son a small smile.

"Feel better?" He asks, patting Remus' knee. Remus let's out a breath of laughter and looks at his hands.

"Kind of."

"I knew you loved him, RJ." Lyall says softly, tilting Remus' chin up to look him in the eye.

"How could you have? I didn't even know."

"Because I know what love looks like."

"Oh." Remus whispers, looking away from his dad again and taking a deep breath. "What do I do?"

"I'll take you to his place where you can confess your deepest, darkest feelings to him."

***

Remus decides to write a note to Sirius, as he always does to express himself. He's better in writing than conversations. He seals it in an envelope, writing a sloppy SIRIUS on the front and doodling a tiny star beside his name. Lyall took him to Sirius' apartment, and he has been standing in front of the door for nearly a half hour, holding the envelope and thinking. Should he slide it under the door? Should he knock and leave it on the doorstep? Should he wait for an answer and give it directly to Sirius?

He taps his fingers against the envelope lightly, biting his lip and watching the door. Sirius is somewhere on the other side of it. His motorcycle is parked outside, so he must be inside. Remus knows he is, which is why he doesn't know if he can even leave the note. He clenches his teeth and opens the envelope, rereading through the note one last time.

'My Dearest, Sirius,

I have to confess something to you. I lied at the hospital when I said I was only going to say that you were my best friend. The truth is something so much more than that, but I couldn't admit it to myself, much less to you.

I am in love with you, Sirius Black. Desperately and hopelessly, if I'm being completely honest. You are so carefree and loving and kind and argumentative and stubborn and neurotic and smart and sensitive and chivalrous, all while still finding the energy to be punk as hell. I envy you for all of that. It seems to me like every person you come in contact with either wants you or wants to be you. It seems that I am both, but wanting you is enough for me. I know I have only known you a few short months, but in that time you have come to bless me in so many ways. You've pushed me out of my shell, put me out of my comfort zone, and made me a better me, no matter how much I hated it.

I don't want you to think you have to still feel the same way towards me. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. Come see me if you want to talk again, but if not, I understand, and I don't expect anything back.

Love, Remus'

He stuffs it back in the envelope, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and shoves it under the crack in the door, knocking lightly and running down the steps back to his dad's car.

The door doesn't open, and it won't for another week, when the Building Administration has to go in due to a complaint on the odor coming from inside. They find a body, blue lipped and white skinned, lying on the den floor, surrounded by vomit and alcohol. Sirius Black had accidentally drank himself to death.

Remus wouldn't find out for another two months. His father somehow got word of the death at his job, and told his son with teary eyes and a trembling jaw. He wasn't as heartbroken as he feel he should have been. He had since moved on from Sirius, trying to forget him, and it has been working. He started dating a petite girl he used to go to school with, named Pandora. She is good and kind and funny, and she helps Remus cope with Sirius' death when he finds out. She loves him already, and he is working on it. He doesn't ever try to commit suicide again. He keeps attending the Support Groups, goes to see a psychiatrist twice a week, and is on antidepressants. He is okay.

Everything is okay.