Healing Hailey

Hailey

After watching James embarrass himself for me he earns more of my trust. No person I know would do something like that, he must really care. That does give me hope. More importantly, trust.

On Friday I can tell he is getting more desperate for us to talk. I admit I am avoiding it but as he has been respectful of my apprehension I am losing reasons why not to tell him. By lunch there are no reasons left in my head other than that I am scared. After school I decide to text him.

Hey I write.

Hey, to what do I owe this pleasure? He asks.

I wanted to know if you still wanted to know why I am so quiet. I say with a deep breath.

Of course, if you're willing. He says. I bite my lip and stroke my cat as I calm myself.

Yeah. I'll write it out. You write out your dirt and we share them tomorrow. Ok? I ask, compromising with myself.

Sounds good Hails, its Saturday tomorrow, I know a good quiet place if you want to do it there. He suggests, the caring idea makes me smile and feel some comfort, it's an odd but welcome feeling.

Sounds good. I reply with the smallest of smiles on my lips.

Good, I'll pick you up at one. He says. I put my phone away and lay in my bed as I decide what to put in the letter.

I have decided to write two letters to James. I will give him the first when he gives me his. His reaction and the contents of his letter will be the deciding factor of whether or not he will receive the second letter. The first letter will explain my quietness, the second will explain the rest. The bad things that can still happen.

I spend hours writing the letters. I want the words I choose to be perfect. The last thing I want is for him to get the wrong message, but then again I also don't want him to know so much. I don't want to scare him, I actually like him. I re-read my first letter the most as I am not sure that I will give him the second one, even though it is the shortest. Once it is perfected I seal it in an envelope and label it as the first letter.

Once I have finished perfecting the letters I decide to put them in the safe under my bed. I keep my savings and passport in there, ready for when I will escape. Having the letters in there calms me, I need to choose who has this information, so that is the safest place for them. The actual contents of the letters is not the issue, it's the power over my life they hold. I know I have to trust whoever knows this, so I have to be careful.

Thanks to my cat I manage to sleep well that night, sadly her calming effect does not last the day so I don't manage to eat much as my anxiety hits my stomach. I have a shower and I sit on my sofa with the letters on my coffee table. I stare at them while listening to music as I wait for the imminent knock, telling me it is time.

When the knock finally does come I stand slowly, the small movement making me slightly dizzy. I put the letters in the pouch off my jumper and I open the door.

"Hi." I whisper.

"Hey, you look awful." James says.

"Thanks." I say and lightly chuckle. He gives me a small sympathetic smile. Slowly, he stretches his hand out to me.

"Ready?" He asks, his eyes searching mine. I nod slowly as I take his hand. I close my door and we take our time walking to his car.

I sit next to James as he drives. I roll down my window and listen intently to my music to distract myself. It takes a while for us to arrive at the place, or maybe it just felt like it because I am so scared. We get out of the car and James takes my hand again, bringing me unknown comfort.

The place that James has taken me is on the edge of a ranch, in the distance you can see horses and donkeys grazing in their fields as cowboy-looking people talk to each other by fences. James and I however walk in the opposite direction. The area is much grassier and it slowly goes uphill. We get to the top and James leads us to the edge of the trees where a large what looks like a bird tower sits. James gestures for me to go up first and I do. We sit at the top together and I bring a foot up so I can rest my chin on my knee.

"It's nice here." I say quietly, ending the silence.

"Yeah, I come here a lot to think." James says. He pulls out a piece of folded paper and hands it to me. "That's mine." He says, getting straight to the point of our meeting. I take the paper from his hands and run my fingertip over the edges of it. I put it on my thigh and I pull out the first letter.

"One?" James asks. "Are there more?"

"Just read it. Then I will explain." I say. He nods and as I hear him open the envelope I unfold the paper and start to read.

Hailey,

I know you will be scared now, I know this because I am scared too. I never show this as I want to be strong, I need to be, you will soon see why.

Firstly I want to tell you that no one knows anything in this letter apart from me and well, now you. You see Hailey, I trust you, and I hope you will trust me too.

It all started when I was born really. My mother was fifteen when she had me. She was and to an extent still is a drug addict. I don't know my father and neither does my mother, she was and still is an "escort".

I had an older sister. We were very close, we protected each other when my mother's various pimps came over and were violent. But I was younger than her, and I couldn't protect her from getting in the business herself. You see, she needed to look after me and my mother so she craved the drugs more than my mother, she needed the escape more. So, she overdosed two years ago. I couldn't protect her.

I was never allowed to grieve. I had to take over the duties straight away. My mother is self-sufficient now, I hardly see her. But for the first year I had to toughen up, so now I am tough, and I think I will always have to be.

So Hailey, that's my story. Obviously there are small insignificant things I have not mentioned but we still have to have things to talk about.

~ James